Sacha Baron Cohen Is Not Going To Play Freddie Mercury

July 23, 2013 / Posted by:

For three years, Sacha Baron Cohen planned to pop his Spandex-covered bulge in a biopic about the life of Freddie Mercury. But he quit that bitch, because he wants to make a sweaty R-rated fuck-filled fuck piece and the surviving members of Queen want some sugar-coated, sanitized Disney shit. Those bitches want to make a PG movie about Queen’s R-rated (at least) life.

Deadline said yesterday that Sacha officially took his stache out of the project after he and the members of Queen just couldn’t agree on the direction of the biopic. Sacha wanted all the focus to be on Freddie Mercury’s life while Queen wanted a PG movie about the entire band. David Fincher and Tom Hooper (who directed SBC in Les Miserables) were thinking of directing this shit, but no offer went out to either of them because SBC and Queen were too busy scrapping over creative control. So now the producers are looking for a new Freddie Mercury and a director.

The members of Queen must be living in a completely different universe than me if they think that anybody wants to see some Disney-fied version of Freddie Mercury’s life. They probably want Tom Hanks to play FM and they want Robert Zemeckis to direct and they want a singing CGI bird to be FM’s sidekick. And they probably don’t want one close-up shot of FM’s bulge. In the wise words of Aunt Sassy, “I DON’T need to see that.

If Brian, Roger and John ever wake up from their PG-rated coma, smell the nutsack sweat and decide to make the R-rated biopic everybody wants (truth is, I want some X-rated shit, but I’ll settle for R), then they should beg John Stossel to play FM. I don’t think he can sing or act, but with a glorious stache like that, who cares?

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