Hot Slut Of The Day!

The immaculately crafted silicone tittyplate that Agnes Bruckner wore to play Anna Nicole in Lifetime’s Anna Nicole Smith biopic.

Lifetime’s Anna Nicole movie, which aired last night, failed me for several reasons. Honey Boo Boo did not play a young Vickie Lynn (missed opportunity!), Bobby Trendy did not make a cameo (it didn’t feel the same without Bobby Trendy’s MAC Glass-covered lips smearing my TV screen), Cousin Shelly and/or Cousin Shelly’s new teefs weren’t in it and neither was Kimmie (Droopy Dog Vicki’s daughter from Real Housewives of Orange County was BORN to play Kimmie). But there was a 10-second-long appearance from Sugar Pie and it featured the greatest performance from a piece of plastic in a basic cable mess since Lindsay Lohan’s lips in Liz & Dick.

During most Anna Nicole, Agnes Bruckner wears a silicone breastplate that steals every scene it’s in. If you painted faces on that breastplate, it would look like the poster for Coneheads. They looked like two bags made of rubber filled with concrete and they didn’t move once. Besides Agnes Bruckner (who was actually kind of good even though her accent dropped in and out), Cary Elwes as E. Prick and the wig on the dude who played Larry Birkhead, the silicone breastplate was the star of that mess!

Because those silicone chichis looked like they were molded by Michelangelo himself, I’m going to assume they came from BoobsForQueens.com (that’s BoobsForQueens.com). BoobsForQueens should really get an Emmy for their work.