Hot Slut Of The Day!

The Original New York Seltzer, the “naturally flavored” seltzer water from the soda era of the 20th century, the 1980s! There was a time in the 80s when your average American’s body weight was made up of 90% Original New York Seltzer soda instead of water, because everyone guzzled that stuff down like it flowed out of heaven’s garden hose. Even my mom, who thinks that soda is Lucifer’s asparagus-infused piss, let me drink it, because it was “naturally” flavored. New York Seltzer made dozens of flavors like black cherry, root beer, lemon lime, peach, raspberry and my personal favorite vanilla cream soda (too easy, I know). Being the gourmet with a thirst for the finer sodas in life that I was, I tried to drink all the flavors and lined up a bunch of empty bottles on my dresser like trophies. The bottles I didn’t keep, I tore off their Styrofoam wrappers and made bracelets out of that shit. It was the 80s, we were simple then. We didn’t have the option of entertaining ourselves by snorting bath salts and calling each other dumb whores on Facebook the way the chirruns of today do.

Like most priceless treasures from the 80s, Original New York Seltzer died in the 90s after the company went bankrupt. Internet legend has it that you can still find a few bottles at Big Lots, but apparently it’s not the same and doesn’t taste like it came directly out of the 1980s’ udder the way the original stuff did.

Well, at least we’ll always have videos of Original New York Seltzer’s co-founder (and stunt man… and exotic cat wrangler… only the 80s) jumping off of hotel balconies to promote that carbonated, naturally flavored deliciousness.