I’ll Take “Ho Shit Gone Wrong” For 200, Alex

August 11, 2011 / Posted by:

Lucinda Moyers, the 56-year-old woman who was arrested in San Francisco after Alex Trebek accused her of stealing his stuff, is telling the media that she’s in the business of selling snatch, not snatching shit. You can call her a clearance bin whore (or the Wonder Bread outlet of pussy peddlers), but don’t call her a thief!

Last month, Alex tore one of his precious tendons when he chased Lucinda down the hallway, because he believed she stole $650 in cash, a bracelet and a purse from his hotel room while he was sleeping next to his wife. But Lucinda’s public defender Mark Jacobs tells SF Weekly that she never went into Alex’s room and was only in the hotel to sell recession pussy to a john on the same floor.

Mark argues that Alex never saw Lucinda in his room and the cops never found his shit on her body when they arrested her. Mark explained Lucinda’s side like this:

“He saw her in the hallway. There’s no one who is going to be able to testify that she was seen in the room. Then he noticed the light from the door opening. He never actually saw anybody. He went down and opened the door, and he looked down the hall, and he said he saw a person in the hallway. That’s still up for debate, though.

Trebek allegedly approached Moyers outside in the hallway by the elevator, accused her of making off with a bracelet, $650, a purse, and a wallet and then told her he was going to call hotel security. That’s when she tried to leave.

She said she was up there working as a prostitute. So, she didn’t want hotel security to be involved in her business. When she was arrested, she had no stolen property on her.”

If Lucinda is found guilty, she could get a minimum of 25 years in the clink thanks to California’s Three Strikes, You’re Fucked law. Lucinda’s already been convicted of two felonies, so this one would be her third.

WE ALL KNEW IT! If the original story was a Daily Double, I’d bet all my money that it would turn out like this. Yes, Lucinda’s got a face that could make a card key lock malfunction, but I doubt she broke into Alex’s room. Alex is just mad that the Yellow Pages hooker he ordered for a freaky threesome did not come as advertised and then got hers by stealing his cash when he kicked her out. Alex can only blame himself. Lesson learned, Alex.

This is why you should always meet your leased whores under the bright lights of a Starbucks before bringing them back to your bed. This is what Starbucks are there for. They’re for pissing and for inspecting your first time fuck partner. I swear, Jeopardy! should have a category about this so that Alex can john better next time.

Lucinda won this round by honoring the first rule of the ho code of ethics: don’t kiss and don’t tell.

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