Only Uncut Dicks For Russell Crowe

June 10, 2011 / Posted by:

We know for sure that the sword in Russell Crowe’s hand will never be used to cut the skin hood off of his son’s penis, because he thinks that shit is inhumane and wrong.

Foreskin was on Russell’s mind yesterday when he let out a Twitter rant about his true feelings on circumcision. In the back of my mind, I’ve always wished that one day Russell Crowe would flame up over dick skin, but this isn’t what I had in mind at all.

Russell’s campaign to save every baby’s foreskin started when one of his followers asked him if she should “circumstanced” her baby. I’m no expert on parenting, but if you’re asking Russell Fucking Crowe for advice on circumcision, maybe you shouldn’t be having a baby at all. Anyway, cut (not like that) to Russell:

Here’s a life rule, if you can’t spell it, don’t do it.

Circumcision is barbaric and stupid. Who are you to correct nature? Is it real that GOD requires a donation of foreskin? Babies are perfect.

I love my Jewish friends, I love the apples and the honey and the funny little hats, but stop cutting your babies.

I will always stand for the perfection of babies. I will always believe in God, not man’s interpretation of what God requires. Last of it, if you feel it is your right to cut things off your babies please unfollow and fuck off; I’ll take attentive parenting over barbarism.

The defender of baby foreskin woke up this morning with the thought of penis turtleneck still hovering above him and he apologized for offending his Jewish followers and friends.

I have a deep and abiding love for all people of all nationalities. I’m very sorry that I have said things on here that have caused distress. My personal beliefs aside I realize that some will interpret this debate as me mocking the rituals and traditions of others. I am very sorry.

Coming from someone who was circumcised, I can say that I don’t remember a thing about it. I don’t have sentimental recurring dreams where I waltz with the butchered corpse of my foreskin before softly weeping into its folds wishing that we were never cut apart those many years ago. Which sort of sucks, because I wish I was having that recurring dream.

Instead of offending Jews and their “tiny little hats,” Russell should be addressing more important issues: like parents teaching their sons how to clean the dick right! So that when they grow up, they don’t roof over the top of a ho’s mouth with crusty spray cheese shingles.

Uncut or cut, you don’t know how many times I’ve put my nose near a peen and inhaled nothing but curdled milk and cheese sweat. There seriously comes a time in every slut’s life when they have to make the decision on whether or not they want peen fondue for dinner. Parents, don’t let the future dick suckers of the world make that decision. Teach your kids early that Melting Pot dick is not the thing. Ever.

via UsWeekly

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