This Is Not SuBo’s Week

Susan Boyle is having one of those weeks that just makes you want to choke out a cat (Pebbles, report to the nearest safe house). A couple of nights ago, SuBo strolled into her home looking forward to a peaceful night of pussy petting with Pebbles. But instead SuBo found a creepy intruder inside her house. As soon as the intruder dude spotted SuBo, he ran out of there. SuBo is afraid to go back to her house, because she thinks the stalker might come back. And if that isn’t making SuBo lick a Valium, then this might.

SuBo’s idol of all idols Elaine Paige (star of Cats, Chess, Evita, etc…) isn’t going to join her knitting circle any time soon. Elaine tells the Daily Mail that she thinks SuBo is a YouTube virus that infected the entire world in just a few seconds. Elaine explains, “I don’t particularly feel any pride for her – I’m sure she is proud of what she has done. It’s all about turning someone into an immediate celebrity at the expense of longevity and working hard and experience. Susan Boyle is doing terribly well considering she literally came to the attention of the world overnight with the advent of YouTube. She was like a virus really that spread across the world in a nanosecond. She is a girl with no experience of anything to do with theatrics, the music business, or art in any way. She has done terribly well to be a major star overnight with YouTube.”

And when Elaine was asked if she thinks the SuBo virus will continue to spread, she answered, “That’s a good question. She is a major star because of YouTube. Longevity is gained through knowledge, experience and effort so it will remain to be seen. When I started, YouTube didn’t exist but even then with 15 years of experience prior to my success with Evita it was difficult, so I admire the way she handled her sudden success. Britain’s Got Talent and The X Factor just take a bunch of people from real life who think they can sing and try and turn them into overnight ‘stars’ with a couple of songs. Ha ha. It’s not entertainment.”

How do you say “THAT BITCH” in catanese? Meow Meow? Does Miss Elaine Paige even know what a virus is? A virus is something that seeps into your pores, eats at your soul and just won’t go away no matter how much you try to destroy it with huge amounts of booze, drugs and episodes of Mr. Belvedere (the latter usually works). It infiltrates your brain and occupies every single thought you have. You punch at your ears to make it go away, but it’s still there. As soon as you delete it from your iTunes, someone who has been living under one of Aretha Franklin’s chichis for the past year sends you an e-mail entitled: “BEST VERSION OF I DREAMED A DREAM EVER.” That is a virus.

Oh. Just ignore everything I just wrote, and give Elaine a Q-Tip.

Below is a duet of “I Know Him So Well” between Elaine Paige and the SuBo virus. It doesn’t end with Elaine shoving her mic down SuBo’s throat, but she was probably thinking about doing that the entire time. MEOW MEOW!

UPDATE: Elaine Paige would like to clear some things up and doesn’t want to wake up to find Pebbles scratching at her froat. Elaine issued this statement:

“I was dismayed to read the remarks attributed to me today in the Daily Mail which were incomplete and misinterpreted.

I am a huge supporter of Susan Boyle and admire what she has achieved; she has handled the extraordinary situation of being catapulted to worldwide stardom with tremendous strength, charm and dignity and I thoroughly enjoyed working with her on the ITV special we recorded together only last month.

I have always said it’s very hard for someone to be fast-tracked to stardom without any prior experience – I know this as it happened to me when ‘Evita’ opened and I found it extremely difficult in the beginning; today, of course, it’s much harder with the phenomenon of the internet – Facebook, YouTube etc – it seems it only takes minutes for fame to spread around the world – and that’s why I used the word ‘virus’! I wasn’t referring to Susan herself; I was referring to the speed of her fame spreading as fast as a worldwide viral marketing campaign.”