Conan O’Brien Might Quit This Bitch
Yesterday morning, NBC’s Chairman Jeff Gaspin fucked us all with the DUH stick by saying that Jay Leno will move his chin out of the 10pm slot on February 12th. Once the Winter Olympics finishes up, Jay will sit down in his new home at 11:35pm. Jeff went on to say that NBC is hoping Conan O’Brien will stay on as host of The Tonight Show, which will start at 12:05am (more like The Tomorrow Show). Jimmy Fallon’s talk show will shoot itself up in the eyeballs with meth so it can stay awake for the 1:05am slot. However, all of this is up in the air, because Conan has yet to give the thumbs up to it.
The New York Post says that it’s likely Conan will take his thumb and shove it up the peacock’s ass. Last night, Conan apparently had a meeting with FOX about hosting a late-night show there. A source close to Conan said, “This level of shittiness was not expected. He’s done a great job for NBC. He moved his entire staff, he moved his family to LA. And five months later, they repay him like this? Conan would be happier somewhere else.”
If the Chicago Sun-Times is right, then it sounds like Conan could be much happier scratching his nalgas on his sofa while catching up on his stories. That’s because if Conan decides to quit NBC and not move to another network, the peacock will have to buy him out of his contract by writing him a check for $80 million ($20 million per year for the remaining 4 years). And even if Conan does go to another network, NBC might still have to cut him a yearly check. Let’s say FOX agrees to pay Conan $10 million a year, NBC will have to put another $10 million in his cleavage to fulfill the terms of his contract with them. Basically, the ginge will still be pissing liquid gold no matter what happens.
If I was Conan, I’d just move my talk show to public access for $1 a year, and air nothing but masturbating bear for a half hour. Actually, scratch that. If anybody wants to watch a bear masturbating for thirty minutes, they’d just tune into NBC at 11:35pm (STARTING THIS MARCH!!!!1!1!!1!).