Jennifer Aniston Wouldn’t Get With This

You would think that Jennifer Aniston would fall in love with any dude who had a pulse and a high sperm count. Well, she made an exception about the “pulse” thing for John Mayer. Jenny says she has some standards. She told Access Hollywood that she won’t date a dude with a shag carpet attached to his back. She said, “I got to say, that’s a deal breaker. The occasional rogue hair, I can easily help that one out.”

She’s lying. If the dude told her his back hair was really a fertility field, you know she’d be scooting her vag all over that shit. And you can get Epilady to make a high-powered back plucker, Jen. Don’t be so damn picky! Take a few hundred gallons of NADS to that shit. For the record: NADS is junk….so I’ve hard.

Jen’s deal breaker reminds me of a dude I once had sexy talk with on the internet. He sent me a face picture and he was definitely worth washing my parts out for. We got to cyberfucking and then he warned me that he was kind of hairy. God gave me fingers to pluck pubes out of my mouth, so this didn’t really bother me. And then he sent me a picture of him topless. The Harry and the Hendersons theme song started playing in my head. It would be like fucking a dead bear rug. And no, I didn’t hit it. I don’t want rug burns on my ass lips.