Olivier Martinez

And here's some news that'll make a CPS officer roll their eyes as they pull out a blank folder, grab a Sharpie and get themselves ready to write the name of Halle Berry's future child on it. TMZ says that a 3-month-old boy fetus is baking in Halle Berry's womb right now and her fiance Olivier Martinez is the father. End well: this isn't.

A source tells TMZ that 5-year-old Nahla is going to be a sister in around 6 months and 46-year-old Halle and 47-year-old Olivier already know they're having a boy. TMZ thinks that Halle might've gone mama bear wild on the paps at LAX the other day, because she was protecting the growing fetus in her baby bag.

Well, the good news is that every family law judge in L.A. knows that their job is safe for a few years since Olivier and Halle will be in their court room frequently after they eventually break up and fight over their kid. The other good news is that Nahla will have somebody to hang out with when the grown-ups start punching and choking each other out on the front yard driveway.

And Halle should save everybody some time and just go ahead and sue Olivier for full custody of their unborn baby so she can move out of the country with her next fiance. Might as well get that out of the way now.

UPDATE: Halle's rep confirms it to People.

Halle Berry, her daughter Nahla and her piece Olivier Martinez were strolling out of LAX last night when they ran into a wall of camera flashes, screams and insanity. The paparazzi were waiting for them at the bottom of the escalator and swarmed all around them as they walked to their SUV. If you don't want to have a seizure this morning or are still hungover from Easter, don't play that video. But if you want to feel like you're at an early 90s rave this morning, turn off the lights, play this video, blast some Prodigy, pop an E and jump, jump, jump. Because this video can easily double as a strobe light.

In the video, Olivier carries Nahla through the sea of paparazzi as Halle Berry screams at everyone. I watched this video and the entire time I thought to myself, "Why are those bitches going crazy? It's just Halle Berry." But they keep coming at Halle and Olivier, and right before they get to the SUV, a paparazzo follows them and says, "You push me, why did you push me," to Olivier. Then the paparazzo puts his hand on Olivier's back and awakens the French cunt beast. Olivier puts Nahla in the SUV and then goes after the paparazzo before Halle stops him. The three of them drive away and the rest of the video is just the paparazzo talking about how he might press charges, because Olivier kicked his legs.

I don't know why that paparazzo decided to screw with Olivier Martinez. That bitch is a boxer and he's crazy. Didn't he see Gabriel Aubry's mangled and battered Thanksgiving day face? If you want to end up in the ER with your eyeball embedded into your brain, go ahead and light Olivier's short fuse. And the next time Halle Berry runs into a wall of paparazzi, she should just hold up DVD copies of her latest shit show The Call. That'll make anybody run the other way.

Gabriel Aubry doesn't have to wear a steel face mask and an iron helmet when he goes to pick up his daughter Nahla at Halle Berry's house, because Olivier Martinez won't be there to pound the pretty out of his face. Gabriel's lawyer Shawn Holley (yeah, that Shawn Holley) and Halle's lawyer Blair Berk met in court today and came up with "amicable settlement," so that the judge doesn't have to declare all of them legally insane and give full custody to Jessica Lange or a pack of lions.

Halle isn't going to try to extend the restraining order she has out against Gabriel and he gets to visit Nahla again like normal. Shawn Holley and Blair Berk didn't give any details about the settlement, but a source (aka Gabriel using a voice changer) tells Radar that Halle agreed to keep Olivier away from the house whenever Gabriel comes to pick their daughter up. Gabriel is totally scared of Olivier and he's afraid that if they run into each other again, Olivier is going to beat Gabriel's pretty model face so hard that it's going to permanently look like Olivier's present day face. The source went on to say, "This was very important to Gabe going forward because he feared for his safety. Gabe was supposed to have Nahla on Thanksgiving, according to their custody agreement, but Halle asked if she could have the little girl that day and Gabe said yes. He had no obligation to do so, but he had been acting in good faith and knew it meant a lot to Halle, so he did it. Gabe was absolutely blindsided by Olivier and his rage."

So they're all going to join hands and skip through the lavender fields under a double rainbow....until Halle and Olivier eventually break up and she gets herself a piece who's even crazier than him (I'm thinking Sean Penn). Then Halle and Gabriel will do this all over again. Gabriel should keep that steel mask and take self-defense classes from Bas Rutten just in case.

Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez both have restraining orders against Gabriel Aubry, and yesterday he got his own restraining order against the French boxer who whooped the hot right out of his face. Gabriel gave these pictures of his post-Thanksgiving beat down face to the court and I'll never understand why the authorities didn't immediately run out and arrest Olivier for crimes against beauty. Gabriel looks like James Cromwell did experiments on him in the American Horror Story lab. Gabriel's got the crazy running through each and every one of his veins, but he went from looking like a thing of natural beauty to looking like Chloe Sevigny's AHS character with a beard on.

TMZ says that Olivier told the police on Thanksgiving morning that Gabriel came at him, but Gabriel says it was the other way around. In his declaration to the courts, Gabriel says that on the night before Thanksgiving, they were all at Nahla's school to see her play and Olivier came up to him and whispered in his ear in French, "I wish I could beat the shit out of you right now. You're lucky we're in a school right now. We're going to take Nahla right now and you're not going to follow us." Then Olivier ate 5 dozen eggs, bench pressed 3 blondes and won a spitting match. Bitch thinks he's Gaston or some shit.

Gabriel says that the next day, he took Nahla to Halle's house and usually the nanny greets them at the door, but this time it was Olivier. Olivier told Gabriel they needed to talk, but he wasn't having it so he turned around to walk back to his car. Gabriel says that's when Olivier jumped off the stairs, knocked him to the ground and started slamming his head into the concrete. Olivier kept screaming about how Gabriel cost him $3 million. I guess $3 million is what Olivier paid the lawyers to try to get Nahla to France.

When Olivier finished beating the French and the Canadian out of Gabriel, he told Gabriel to move to France or he'd kill him. Olivier also told Gabriel that the police were coming and he better tell them he started the fight or else. The "else" is code for "You be dead." Gabriel never told the police about the threats and Halle's "sources" still say he's the one who started the brawl.

Gabriel will also go to court today to try to get the judge to lift the restraining order that's keeping him from going anywhere near his daughter.

The moral of this story is: If you find yourself falling in love with Halle Berry and she's falling in love with your ass, save yourself the drama, visits to family court and punches to the face by checking yourself into the nearest mental hospital. Because if you want to be with Halle Berry, then you are beyond insane. This is what happens to your face on Halle Berry!

L.A. County's Department of Child Protective Services is dusting off Halle Berry's old file and they plan to pay her a little visit because of the Thanksgiving morning beat down between Nahla's father Gabriel Aubry and Olivier Martinez. Right before Olivier Martinez fisted Gabriel Aubry in his pretty face, Halle grabbed Nahla and rushed her into the house, so the kid really didn't see much of the French vs. French Canadian war of 2012. But CPS was still contacted.

A source tells Radar that right after Olivier put a swollen welt on Gabriel's eye, the LAPD reported the foolery to CPS. This isn't the first time CPS has put a magnifying glass on all those crazy bitches. They've investigated allegations of abuse before. The source says that a social worker will talk to Halle, Olivier and Gabriel to make sure that Nahla isn't totally in danger:

"Nahla wasn't actually involved in the melee, and by all accounts, Halle whisked her out of the driveway as soon as the fight between Olivier and Gabe started. However, DCFS was contacted because there has been a history of allegations of physical abuse. Social workers will be interviewing Halle, Gabriel and Olivier about what happened on Thanksgiving. DCFS must ensure that Nahla's environment is safe."

Just when I start to think this couldn't get trashier, it does. Well, at least little Nahla has another chapter for the Mommie Dearest-like tell-all she'll write in 20 years. The lesson that Halle should learn from this mess is that the next time she wants some baby chowder from a hot piece, she should just pick up a hot piece from the side of the road, do him bareback-style in a motel and then disappear from his life. Didn't Halle Berry learn ANYTHING from that Heart song?

Halle Berry's lawyers will be in court tomorrow or Tuesday to ask the judge to restrain Gabriel Aubry's ass indefinitely. After the Thanksgiving morning beat down between Halle's ex piece and her current piece put both of their dumb asses in the emergency room, a judge issued a temporary restraining order against Gabriel, which means he's not allowed to go anywhere near Halle, Olivier Martinez and his 4-year-old daughter Nahla. The restraining order expires on Tuesday. Halle now wants to make that restraining order more permanent. If the judge grants it, he should go ahead and wrap that restraining order and put a bow on it. Because the greatest Christmas gift Halle could ever get is the right to say, "HAHA! Got you, bitch!" to Gabriel Aubry.

TMZ says that Halle's lawyers will argue that Gabriel started the tussle with Olivier Martinez and did it right in front of his own daughter. Halle's lawyers will say that Gabriel is a tall drink of RAGE and he obviously can't stop himself from Hulk-ing the fuck out in front an innocent child. Halle's lawyers have argued before that Gabriel can't control his temper and is a danger to Nahla.

There's pictures of Gabriel Aubry's beaten face at TMZ, and damn, Olivier punched the hot right of him. Olivier really did fuck with Gabriel's money by going for the face. And as the pictures below show, Olivier walked away from that fight with only a few bruises on his whoopin' hand.

Gabriel Aubry is dead wrong for coming at a French dude who is supposedly a trained boxer. Olivier Martinez is dead wrong for sticking his nose into some shit that doesn't have anything to do with him and he's dead wrong for going crazy on Gabriel. Halle Berry is dead wrong, because she's always thinking of Halle and is using Nahla as a pawn against Gabriel. They're all dead wrong and they're all crazy bitches.

The judge should issue three restraining orders on Nahla's behalf tomorrow: one against Gabriel, one against Olivier and one against Halle. Just give temporary custody of Nahla to a stuffed Simba toy, because it will do a better job of keeping her safe and sane.

Halle Berry, Olivier Martinez and Gabriel Aubry gave little Nahla Aubry a touching and special Thanksgiving memory this morning when all three of those crazy bitches got into a fight of words and a fight of fists. Now you won't feel so alone tonight when you're sitting in a jail cell after throwing a can of cranberries at one of your family members. Celebrities: They're just as trashy as us!

TMZ says that shit between Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry have been extra tense ever since a judge shut down her plans to move to France, and shit got extra EXTRA messy this morning. While dropping Nahla off at Halle's house this morning, something set Gabriel off and he brought the crazy upon Olivier Martinez. Olivier Martinez returned the crazy by issuing a serious beat down on Gabriel. TMZ puts it like this:

Gabriel showed up at Halle's doorstep with Nahla for a custodial hand-off. We're told Gabriel was inside the house when Olivier walked up to him and said, "We have to move on."

According to witnesses, Gabriel then pushed Olivier and threw a punch at his face, but Olivier blocked it and the punch struck him in the shoulder instead. We're told Gabriel then pushed Olivier to the ground, and Olivier cold-cocked him in the face, and a struggle ensued, ending with Olivier pinning Gabriel to the ground.

In the struggle, Gabriel suffered a broken rib, contusions on his face, and possibly a more serious head injury. Olivier may have broken his hand and suffered neck injuries as well.

The cops showed up and Olivier made a CITIZEN'S ARREST!! on Gabriel. Gabriel is currently in the hospital where he's being treated for bruises to his face and ego. Olivier also spent time in the same emergency room as Gabriel and he will press charges. A judge issued an emergency protective order, which means that Gabriel has to stay away from Halle, Olivier and his own daughter.

Halle can skip the turkey tonight, because she's already full on smugness and happiness. Halle is loving this. But Gabriel did this to himself. You don't mess with a French dude who squints his eyes so hard that you can't tell if he's ready to beat your ass or if he's trying to squeeze out an extremely stubborn fart bubble. Not only that, but Gabriel Aubry is a model! Why would he risk his beauty by getting into a fist fight he can't win? If Olivier challenged him to a pose off, Gabriel would've won, but not a fist fight. Dumb bitch, think of your pretty pretty face!

Here's Olivier and Halle going to a party in Beverly Hills yesterday. You can tell Olivier's in the mood to beat some ass.

Halle Berry is sick of the paparazzi getting in her life and shoving their lenses in her daughter Nahla's face, so she came up with a plan to escape them by moving all the way to her fiance's homeland. The only problem was that Nahla's father Gabriel Aubry lives in Los Angeles and went to the judge to stop Halle from moving thousands of miles away. The judge either got lost in Gabriel Aubry's luscious golden locks or the judge is sane and reasonable, because the judge sided with Gabriel. Halle can unpack the berets, because she's not moving to France.

TMZ's sources say that Halle only wanted to move to France, because she thought it would be safer and she wasn't trying to erase Gabriel from their daughter's life and make Olivier Martinez Nahla's new father.

Gabriel Aubry is a tall drink of crazy and he's been crazy throughout this whole custody fight, but Halle's been crazier. You know she was trying to get Nahla away from Gabriel. If she just wanted to get away from the paparazzi, she'd move up to Bakersfield, CA or something. I've been to Bakersfield a few times and I've never seen the paparazzi there and the people are very welcoming. Case in point: I walked into a Carl's Jr. in Bakersfield once and a fat bitch with meth face said really loudly, "Daaaayum, he's gay!"

The judge should also block Halle Berry from every wearing those pants again. Forcing your child to be seen with you in public while you're wearing Hammer CAPRIS is a form of child abuse.

Olivier Martinez made it clear that he's riding shotgun without a helmet on the crazy train by confirming to reporters at the opening of his restaurant in Miami that he's engaged to Halle "I Will Never Get Married Again" Berry. Olivier should've given Halle a suicide pill ring, so that when she's choking him out during one of their many fights, he can end his misery by leaning over to chew his way to a quick death. But instead, Olivier gave Halle an emerald ring he made with jooree designer Robert Mazlo.

A source type tells UsWeekly that Olivier wanted to give Halle the "most beautiful ring ever made" and also wanted it mean something. Olivier took some ancient mystical quiz called the "Alchemy Test," which is made up of several questions asking for Halle's favorite colors, numbers and shapes. Robert Mazlo decoded the answers to design the perfect emerald ring which tells Halle and Oliver's story.

Isn't that special? I'm guessing that the emerald represents the color Halle will turn when she busts into a jealous rage after watching Olivier innocently talk to another trick. The diamond represents the maniacal twinkle in Halle's eye. The yellow gold represents the jaundice Olivier and Halle will suffer from after they suck the life out of each other. Robert Mazlo is right! That ring is perfect.

The source says that the ring is one-of-a-kind and I say that it's something you can get at QVC for just 4 easy payments of $29.99.

Speaking of precious gems, here's rare crazy diamond Victoria Silvstedt at the opening of Olivier's new restaurant in Miami over the weekend.

That oily, rank-smelling drops of nastiness that just appeared on your monitor is from potent sarcasm dripping from that title. In case you didn't already know from that cloud of insanity hovering over L.A., the joint ambassadors of CRAZY, Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry, are turning their pretty faces into uglycrazyfaces while fighting over Nahla in court. Gabriel loses his shit over every move Halle makes and Halle loses her shit over every move Gabriel makes. The whole scene is messier than a fist party catered by Metamucil. So that's why it's such a perfect time for Halle to pick up Nahla and move all the way to France to be with her piece Olivier Martinez. And of course, Gabriel is taking the news so well that he's bought Nahla a beret and has taught her how to say "I have the best and sanest mommy ever" in French. Only, he's not.

TMZ says that Halle's lawyers filed papers yesterday asking the court to approve her move to France. A hearing will be scheduled soon and workers are currently padding the walls of the court room since bitches are obviously going to get crazy. One source tells TMZ that Gabriel thinks this is Halle's way of trying to keep him from his daughter and he doesn't like that Nahla is going to live with Olivier full-time. TMZ thinks Halle has a case, because her stalker has broken into her house a few times and Nahla might be safer in Europe.

Why didn't Halle just make a baby with Gabriel, dump him as soon as she got knocked up, stage a photo-op outside of a sperm donation center and then deny deny away when he asks her if the kid is his. That's what any reasonable person would do! Because it's pretty obvious that Halle only wanted Gabriel's baby-making chowder and is trying to push him out of the picture for good so she can have Nahla all to herself. Halle is just adding another layer of crazy to this overgrown pile of crazy.

The only good that can come out of this is that Gabriel will star in a real life remake of Not Without My Daughter:

Yes, even during high pressure situations, Gabriel still keeps it cool enough to make a sexy model face.