Nicole Scherzinger

I'll wait here as you blink away the drops of potent class that hit your eyeballs when you looked at that picture. Everything is elegant about queefing into the mic.

So, Nicole ScherMINGEr's last album didn't even come out in the US, she's never been on Broadway and she's only had speaking roles in 2 movies, and she says she'd have a whole more if she opened up her legs all the time. If Nicole was a huge whore, she'd be instructing her team of maids to dust her dozens of Tonys, Grammys and Oscars right now.

In an interview with The Independent (via SF Chronicle) that's equal parts delusional and desperate (aka all the things I love an in an interview), the former head puss of the Pussycat Dolls says that classy people like her have to work harder to be successful and if she laid her coochie on the devil, she'd have Adele's career right now (yeah, I think Nicole is calling Adele and every other successful singer a mega tramp).

You might want to put a mask on before you read this mess, because the delusion is thick and you might catch it.

“I come from the most religious family. My grandfather is a priest. And if they support me in all this, and they do, then I’m OK. I’m being sassy and classy; I’m having fun. I’m not coming from a dark place. To be honest with you, I sometimes wish I were more slutty. I’d probably be a lot more successful if I were.

This is such a tough industry, you know. To make it, you really have to sell your soul to the devil… That’s probably why I haven’t quite reached the top of my mountain. I mean, where’s my Tony Award, my Grammy, my Oscar? Why don’t I have any of those things yet?”

Translation: "Sleeping your way to the bottom is a bitch!"

To me, Nicole Scherzinger has always felt like a never-ending Maya Rudolph impersonation of Apollonia and now I find out that she's as funny as a Maya Rudolph impersonation too. That whole quote is classic. Bitch should go write funnies for SNL. She'd easily get an Emmy.

And seriously, she should get a Tony, Grammy, Oscar, Emmy, AVN and all the awards for that picture alone.

At the Men in Black 3 premiere in Berlin yesterday, Will Smith, Josh Brolin and Nicole ScherMINGEr all received a lesson in sophistication and style when Germany's high priestess of class Micaela Schäfer floated onto the red carpet wearing a stunning couture ensemble exclusively made by your old shitty VHS player that ate almost every tape. Micaela, who was diagnosed with elegant-itis which causes beauties to overheat if they wear actual clothes, showed us all that it doesn't take much to look like the epitome of a lady. All you need is a dog chain collar from Petco, black panties, an 80s belt from the Salvation Army, barf from a VHS tape, a pair of camera-ready nipples and zero amounts of shame.

Yes, it's true that after the premiere, janitors mistook Micaela for a shredded trash bag that was ransacked by raccoons and threw her into a dump truck, but I'm sure she looked absolutely gorgeous as she climbed out of the landfill.

If you drive by any random clinic in L.A. this morning, you'll probably see Paula Abdul trying to break into one of those locked tin boxes in front of the door, because she needs a quick hit of something medically strong to strangle the feeling of rejection that took over her body after getting fired by Simon Cowell AGAIN! Deadline said last night that the producers of The X-Factor deported Steve Jones back to the UK, sent the defected Apollonia impersonator Nicole Scherzinger back to the Prince factory from which she came from and threw a Percocet into the forest so Paula Abdul could chase after it and get lost. Simon pink-slipped all three of them and is only keeping L.A. Reid as a judge for next season.

FOX confirmed last night that both Steve Jones and Nicole Shitsinger's second season contracts were executed, but they haven't said anything about Paula. TMZ is hearing that Paula heard from a lawyer close to the show that she was about to get the BITCH GOT FIRED card and Simon hasn't called her yet to tell her the news. What a cold cunt Simon is. How could he not take the news, wrap it in ludes dough and then gently feed it to Paula? Simon could've at least shaved the words "you're fired" into his furry tit pies and let Paula read it herself as she suckled on his nipple like she does most nights. Thanks to Simon, none of your medicine cabinets are safe now!

Apparently, Simon hasn't chosen any replacements yet, but the only way I'll watch that wailing shit show is if the new judges are the queen who maced that brat on the subway and Khia.

Is X-Factor always as dramatic as a Mexican funeral? Everybody's crying like they're about to bury somebody. Damn. I don't watch this anymore, but I'm about to slip it into my queue again, because this is the kind of theatrics I like to tuck myself in with at night. In case you didn't watch this emotional disaster last night either, let me set up this mess of a clip for you. Last night's elimination came down to 13-year-old Rachel (Simon's contestant) and Marcus (L.A. Reid's contestant). Simon gave his pink slip to Marcus, L.A. gave his slip to Rachel, Paula gave hers to Marcus and when it came time for that dumb ass Nicole Shitsinger to pick who she thinks should go home, she locked up.

Nicole made the same face she's going to make in a couple of months when she's cleaning up her dressing room after Simon fires her ass for being absolutely useless. Nicole gets paid way too much money to judge a singing show and this ho couldn't even push a vote out of her mouth. Nicole told Rachel and Marcus that this is so hard for her, because she's been up there before. This bottom of the barrel Apollonia impersonator can't be serious. BITCH, you were on The WB Popstars and I think I'm the only one who remembers that (and the only one who owns an Eden's Crush CD). Nicole couldn't decide, so she forced the vote into deadlock by voting for Rachel. The elimination was then up to the public's vote and they voted that 13-year-old Rachel needs to exit stage left. They voted the child out. What happened next was like a Real Housewives meltdown as seen through the eyes of Zeffirelli. That shit should be an opera!

Rachel fell to the floor, got back up and cried to her mom, "Mommy, you promised!" There is a special line at the entrance to Hell for people who laugh at children crying, so I will see you there. Rachel definitely deserves a few Emmys for this, but a special award should go to Nicole for her impressive mime work. I mean, wiping away those invisible tears? Charlie Chaplin is slow clapping up in heaven as I type this.

What a mess. Nicole Scherzinger not only stole Apollonia's entire act, but now she's murdering the dreams of children? Send her to the guillotine!

Cheryl Cole was in, then she was out, then she was in and now she's officially out of X-Factor USA. All this talk of Cheryl Cole being in and out is forcing images of her licking animal sauce on a Double Double into my head and I do not appreciate it. But thankfully, our national predicament that you gave zero fucks about is over!!!!

Fox released a statement to TVLine today confirming that Cheryl Cole's American dreams have been crushed by Simon Cowell's titty and the swap meet Apollonia is taking her place at the judge's table.

“Nicole Scherzinger will be replacing Cheryl Cole on the judging panel of The X Factor. Nicole will join Simon Cowell, L.A. Reid and Paula Abdul on their search across America to find the next global superstar or group to win the life-changing $5 million dollar recording deal. Nicole has previously joined Simon Cowell as a guest judge on The X Factor for the UK version of the show in 2010. Steve Jones will act as sole host of The X Factor.”

Now that the fate of Cheryl Cole has been sealed for good, we can go back to focusing on more important news stories that are relevant to all of our interests. Like the mystery of twin babies sneezing at the same time:

Cheryl Cole has been dropped into a plane and sent back to England after sitting at the judge's table on X-Factor for only a couple of weeks. Cheryl, WHO IS THE BIGGEST STAR IN ENGLAND (not at all), is now crying in that Geordie accent of hers, because she has been pink-slipped by Simon Cowell and replaced with Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls. There's a lot of things that hurt in life like getting your peen lips stuck in a zipper or accidentally chewing on aluminum foil, but I'm guessing that nothing hurts like a Pussycat Doll replacing you.

TMZ has no idea why Chery Cole left or was fired, but their sources say it happened very recently. Cheryl sat next to Simon, L.A. Reid and Paula Abdul on the judge's panel during the L.A. and Chicago auditions. Nicole Scherzinger was a co-host, but now she's been upgraded to judge.

It's pretty obvious what happened here. Even after dozens of warnings, Chery Cole mistakenly took a sip from Paula Abdul's plastic Pepsi cup. Before they knew it, Cheryl was making love to the swivel chairs, slobbering all over the contestants and spilling her feelings out to a plastic ficus tree in the corner. They had to ship her off to a health department clinic that specializes in Abdulification.

UPDATE: TMZ says that Cheryl's Geordie accent is what got her fired. Producers are afraid that us Americans might twitch our ears when listening to Cheryl speak. They also say that Cheryl and Paula Abdul didn't really fit together. Simon wants to put Cheryl back in the UK version of X-Factor, but she may tell him to fuck off because she's not happy about being put on the curb.