Lisa Turtle’s Marriage Of Six Months Is Over

The Internet formed a prayer circle around Lark Voorhies a while ago and that prayer circle doubled a few months ago when we all learned that she married a dude who was allegedly wanted by police in Arizona for threatening to murder a store owner. Lark’s mother said a while ago that she has bipolar disorder and doesn’t properly treat it, so we all thought, “What could go wrong in that marriage?!” It seemed like one of those “This Is Not Going To End Well” things and well, it’s ended, and her soon-to-be ex husband claims the entire marriage was a disaster.

Last April, Lark Voorhies made Jimmy Green her third husband in Las Vegas after meeting him on Facebook a year earlier. Just a few months after they got hitched, Lark’s mom Tricia got a restraining order against her new son-in-law. Even though Tricia didn’t want Jimmy anywhere near her, she still spent time with her daughter. Jimmy tells TMZ that Tricia is the reason why his marriage ate shit after only a few months and why he changed his Facebook status to single.

TMZ says that Lark is the one who filed for divorce. In the documents, she says that she doesn’t want to pay Jimmy any spousal support.

Jimmy tells TMZ that he would’ve been the one to file, but he doesn’t know how. I just…. I mean…. Jimmy either didn’t have the money to file or he’s not from L.A. Because I was born and raised in L.A., and the first thing they taught us in elementary school is how to file for divorce. They figured that we’d be doing that a lot in our lives.

Pic: Wenn.com

Miss Bliss? Mr. Belding? Anybody! Please Come Get This Girl!

Ever since Lark Voorhies’ mother made her daughter’s mental condition public by telling People Magazine that she suffers from bi-polar disorder, Lisa Turtle has been out there trying to convince everyone that she doesn’t have a mental illness while clearly looking like she has a mental illness. Lisa Turtle, who will forever be my favorite Turtle, went on Entertainment Tonight and lord, it’s hard to watch. Don’t watch it if you want to remember happier times in the Saved By the Bell world when Screech wasn’t giving out Dirty Sanchezes and Lisa Turtle wasn’t giving out sad interviews to robot reporters on Entertainment Tonight.

If Lisa Turtle said the line, “I am very positive girl who looks for real luv or a good friend,” I’d really think she was reciting my spam e-mails word for word. I thought I was guilty of first degree comma abuse, but Lisa Turtle uses ALL the commas and more.

On her mom saying she has bi-polar disorder: I have no worries myself, nor do I exude, exhibit, or eh, possess with my living, uh, stratus, um any reason why someone should worry on my behalf. It’s completely fictional.

On dealing with fame: It’s much like fighting a, uh… I mean when you enlist in the army, you get yourself physically fit and mentally fit, and uh, informational. Wise, fit. So it’s just the same, it’s like, um, um, stage boot camp. You know? You put all the right elements together and you keep them going and you keep them going and you keep them going. And uh, round and round the world goes. We have to be entertainers, this is our particular angle.

I feel like that dude washing the windows is a metaphor for something.

Lisa Turtle could be bi-polar and she’s not taking her meds, or she could be bi-polar and she is taking her meds but it’s not working for her. Or maybe Lisa Turtle just has trouble with making sentences. Anybody who reads this blog knows that I can relate to that. I especially have trouble with making sentences when I’m put on the spot. One time during a job interview I said, “Thank you for timing the talk to take with me.” I didn’t get the job.

On a positive note, Lark’s eyebrow situation is looking good.

via Videogum

Okay…But What In The Hell Is Lisa Turtle Wearing?

Lark Voorhies and her mom Tricia had opposite opinions on the state of her mental health in People Magazine earlier this month. Tricia said that Lark is bi-poplar, but doesn’t want to get help and doesn’t really take her meds. (In Lark’s defense, it’s kind of hard to take her meds when that junkie whore Jessie Spano keeps stealing them from her medicine cabinet.) Lark said that she isn’t bi-polar and yes, she’s a little hazy in the brains, but that’s just because she’s a very spiritual person who is thinking thoughts all the time. Well, as Lark and a man friend left some restaurant in L.A. last night TMZ asked her about her mom saying she’s bi-polar. Lark took a quick minute to meditate and let the spirits whisper a response into her brain before she said:

“Well I think it quite comical… I’ll put it to you like this, outside contract, everything is funny. Beautiful pictures though, don’t you think?”

Lisa Turtle went on to talk about other shit too including how we’re all spiritually in tune with an informant connection, or something like that. Lisa Turtle talks like me if I drank a whole bottle of absinthe and tried to do an impersonation of Audrey Hepburn in Always.

Yes, Lisa Turtle talks and carries herself like the pilled-up matriarch of a wealthy New England family who is about to tell her children that she’s cut all of them out of the will, but it really doesn’t matter if she’s bi-polar or not. I’m more concerned about that make-up and outfit. GUUURRRRRL. That’s an outfit that Dorothy Zbnorak would look at in the Memaw of the Bride section at Sears and quickly shoo it away because it’s TOO obvious.

Lisa Turtle Is Bipolar, So Says Her Mom

The entire Internet simultaneously shouted SANTO DIOS! this past May when Saved By The Bell’s Lark Voorhies gave an interview with a whole lot of WTF smeared all over her face. It was obvious that something wasn’t right and some speculated that snorting the wrong kind of illegal drug made her do herself up like a LeAnn Rimes impersonator on the white face circuit. But Lark’s mother Tricia tells People (via Yahoo!) that her daughter isn’t hooked on the bad shit. Lark suffers from mental health issues including bipolar disorder. Everything about that last sentence makes me want to gently chin hump a teddy bear while crying myself to sleep.

Tricia says that even though Lark takes medication for her bipolar disorder, she doesn’t want to get psychiatric help and hasn’t exactly embraced finding the right treatment that works for her. Tricia wouldn’t get into any details, but told People that Lark had a mental breakdown due to several traumatic experiences in her life. Lark’s divorce from her husband in 2001 and her career not going anywhere after SBTB didn’t help her mental situation. Nowadays, Lark lives with her mother in Pasadena, barely has any friends and doesn’t really leave the house.

People had to interview Lark twice, because the first time they talked to her she stopped talking mid-sentence, stared blankly into nothing and mumbled to herself and imaginary people. Basically, Lark went full Amanda Bynes. In the second interview, they asked Lark why she seemed out of and she said that she’s very spiritual and they caught her in moments of prayer. Lark admitted to People that she hears voices in her head, but the doctors don’t know what it is and can’t treat it.

“Over-loving” is what Lark called her mother and said that nobody needs to form a prayer circle around her, because she’s fine. She’s not sick and she’s busy working on her music career and writing books.

So let’s recap: Lisa Turtle mumbles to herself, hears voices in her head, lives with her mother, never leaves the house and doesn’t have any friends? Should my ass be worried, because that’s basically me in two weeks.

And like with most shitty things in life (including that brow situation), let’s just blame all of this on Screech. Someone really needs to citizen’s arrest his ass.