For those of you fluent in Google Russian, that headline is asking Harpo who this woman is, because I had to squint like a stoned sloth pushing out a stubborn fart to realize that this is starter beard Renee Zellweger on the cover of Russian’s Harper’s Bazaar. I don’t know whether to ask “What did they do to your face?” or “What did YOU do to your face?”
Renee’s face could have suffered at the hands of Photoshop, but it could’ve also been changed out for a new one at the plastic surgery factory. Renee has been laying low on all fronts, and so maybe during that time she tucked, chopped and stretched her face until she looked like a wax figure of Jack Lemmon in Some Like It Hot.
Somebody has to pay for taking the squint out of Renee’s eyes. Life just isn’t the same without Renee Zellweger looking like she’s doing a really offensive impersonation of Mickey Rooney doing a really offensive impersonation of an Asian in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.
Well, that didn’t take long. Celebslam reports that your favorite man whore and mine (okay not even in our top 10 really) Ashton Kutcher was in Rome over Christmas with his new squeeze Lorene Scafaria. She’s a 33-year-old screenwriter who some say he started seeing back in February when he auditioned for one of her films. But that math doesn’t make sense, since he was still very married to
his mom Demi Moore then!! And still is, right? Oh what the fuck am I saying, you know it’s totally true. She was reportedly in a relationship when they met too. Birds of a SUCIO! feather nesting, how sweet.
According to Celebslam:
“During their private sojourn, the couple tooled around in a Porsche Carrera Sports 2011 and holed up at a private pad. During a romantic lunch at Pizzeria Trattoria Toscana in Pisa on Christmas Eve, they ‘held hands,’ witness Alex Thorpe tells Us. ‘They shared spaghetti, and he paid.'”
Well isn’t that EXCITING. Holding hands and eating spaghetti! I wonder if they slurped a noodle until they accidentally smooched and he rolled a meatball to her with his nose like in Lady and the Tramp. Between that greasy mess of hair on his head and his vagabond peen he’s got the tramp part DOWN. Move the fuck over Paris, between this and Michael K’s presence Rome is the new city of love.
Okay, real or undead, Lady Gaga apparently finally has a man! And might I add he is SEXAI. Thank God she can quit with the possibly bi/possibly try/possibly non/sexual thing and just MOVE THE FUCK ON. Here she is, snapped by TMZ with her boy toy, Vampire Diaries hottie Taylor Kinnie. Come on GaGa, we all need to get a little. Ray Charles saw this coming. TMZ says that they’ve been dating since he guested with her on the You And I video.
Way to go Gaga, and Taylor! I’m just proud that you own a step-stool high enough to get to the top of her platforms! Or is it scaffolding? Whatever, doesn’t matter. Congrats to the happy (unconfirmed) couple and I hope you can keep Gaga’s no-pants stance to a minumum. Team ERRYBODY NEED TO GET SOME!!
Kim Kardashian’s marriage and the conceiving of Justin Beiber’s first baby in the bathroom are just two things that will last longer than Lindsay Lohan’s latest time in jail. Reading that headline took more time than what it will take LiLo to prance into her cell, queef on her sheets so they have to change them and sashay out of the jail house before the scent clears. Judge Stephanie sentenced LiLo to 30 days in jail today (Note: Judge Stephanie telling LiLo “I order you to 30 days in jail” took more time than LiLo’s time in jail will take.) but TMZ says she’ll serve closer to 30 seconds than 30 days.
The Sheriff said that depending when LiLo checks in, she could spend the night there, but most people who get a misdemeanor sentence of 90 days or less are out within minutes. The Sheriff blamed it all on overcrowding and then made sure he said that LiLo was not getting special treatment at all.
You know, just when I think I’ve exhausted every last keystroke about this hilarious and disastrous shit, our prophet steps up to the altar and lets out more words of wisdom that make me raise my hands up and shout out: YAAASSSSSSS!
As always, the truth is what Khia speaks. One of LiLo’s face freckles might as well morph into a teardrop, because that ho is a gangsta prison bitch and she hasn’t even been in prison!
When you get up in the morning, tape two Top Ramen wrappers over your nipples, put your hand over your chest and repeat this NSFW self-loving speech into the mirror to get you through the day. These words of motivation work for every situation. Make sure you have some kind of bird creature nearby so it can let out a CAW when you pull its tail after every beat. Pledge allegiance, bitch!
And Stuart Smalley can officially retire now that Khia is here to lift us up.
via Kid Fury
That little blank space on Khia’s mug shot gallery was making me itch and so the OCDer deep in me thanks her for doing something about it by getting busted in Dekalb County, Georgia over the weekend. My favorite poet and the mug shot supermodel graced the police station camera with her pose skills after she was arrested for “concealing/endangering property-secured interest.” Straight from the A translated that into real talk: Bitch hid a car she owed payments on. Sonia from Operacion Repo is coming for you, Khia! Hopefully, Sonia also repossess Khia’s gremlin brows while she’s at it.
Khia posted $500 bail and was released back into the wild, but not before she gave the world her latest:
You never thought you’d see Elmer Fudd as Annie, did you? Khia is a true chameleon.
Every Glamour Shots should be shut down and replaced with Khia’s Academy of Mug Shot Glamour, because there are some sad and dusty mug shot takers out there (Lindsay Lohan) who could use her expertise and learn how to smile like it’s first grade picture day or some shit.