Caster Semenya Will Race Again!

Remember Caster Semenya? She’s the champion runner from South Africa who gave your silly ass the giggles because she has semen all over her last name? Caster is also the runner who had everyone and their cousin sticking their nostrils in her crotch, because there were rumors that she has a peen instead of a poon. Back in November, a source said that after several highly scientific tests were conducted (Note: Basically, they just compared her genitals to Khloe Kardashian’s) to determine Caster’s official gender, they discovered that she has both dude and lady parts. Specially, they said that Caster has two internal testicles. That’s two more testicles than Jon Gosselin has.

At the time, the source also said that the International Association of Athletics Federations would meet to decide whether or not Caster should be allowed to compete again. Well, there’s good news for Caster, because they have ruled that she can return to the track starting right now. They also said that Caster is a woman by their standards. Cut to Brooke Hogan giving Caster the nastiest stank eye, because she’s been waiting all her life for someone to say that about her.

Here’s the IAAF’s official statement:

“The process initiated in 2009 in the case of Caster Semenya has now been completed. The IAAF accepts the conclusion of a panel of medical experts that she can compete with immediate effect. Please note that the medical details of the case remain confidential and the IAAF will make no further comment on the matter.”

This whole thing has been such bullshit. Yes, Caster has the abs of a He-Man doll, but so does Jillian Michaels and is anybody accusing her of being a dude? Okay, bad example, let me try again. Yes, Caster has the biceps of a ripped pit bull, but so does Sheree from The Real Housewives of Atlanta and is anybody accusing her of being a dude? Shit. Another bad example. I’m totally not helping Caster’s cause.

Afternoon Crumbs

Justin Timberlake as the Green Lantern?! Jessica Biel would be a better choice. She does have the pecs and package for it. – Lainey Gossip

Bianca Gascoigne forgot to shake – Hollywood Tuna

Hayden Pantaloons might have stuffed her training bra – Egotastic!

Mr. and Mrs. Twitter sun their twatters in the Caribbean – Popsugar

Miranda Kerr nekkid or a 12-year-old ladyboy? (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Fuckery: Not a Chico’s kind of gay – Towleroad

Kim Kardassian really should have written a how-to-guide on how to make millions even though you are as useless as a dingle berry – Hollywood Rag

This would be the perfect diet if you replaced “Parliament cigarettes” with the good shit and “black coffee” with whiskey – Celebitchy

Pepaw Carrey – Just Jared

Chesus will not be happy about this – I’m Not Obsessed

HoHan’s new production company is probably a front for a meth ring, right? – Socialite Life

Beethoven has never looked skankier – ICYDK

Drunk dudes aren’t good at standing – Cityrag

The African Baby Snatcher Is Officially Triumphant!

After eating their breakfast of deep fried money, three judges in Malawi shuffled into court this morning and granted Vadge’s adoption of 3-year-old Mercy. As you know, they originally shut down Vadge, because she had not lived in the country for at least 18-months. She appealed and threatened to feed them to her roidy cooze monster, so they really had no choice. The mattress stuffed with money she sent them sealed the deal.

The judges also fingered Vadge’s b-hole by saying she has improved the lives of the children in Malawi with her organization. And then gallons of roid smegma came gushing out of her flooding the upper part of Manhattan. Oh yeah, Vadge isn’t even in Malawi. She’s still in NYC! The baby snatcher has no plans to travel to Africa to pick up her trophy!

According to People, Vadge is going to send a private jet to pick up Mercy. I guess FedEx wouldn’t pick up on the weekends.

That’s that. Money talks and the baby walks!

What Vadge Wants……

Remember how Vadge was denied adopting little Mercy, because they said she needed to have lived in Malawi for at least 18-months? Well, that was all just a silly mistake, because suddenly three appeal judges have allowed the adoption to go through! The African baby snatcher WINS! Your child is NEXT!!!!

The Sun says that two judges have already turned in reports stating that the adoption should go ahead and the third judge is right there with them. They will announce their decision this Sunday in court. Vadge’s lawyer already gave her the news.

The judges apparently agreed that the 18-month rule is “out of date.” I wonder when it suddenly became out of date? Before or after the rhinestone-covered Bentley, solid gold toilet and suitcase of money arrived at their doorsteps?

Well, this is good news for Baby Jesus. Rocco and David always give him shade in the playroom, because he’s the new bitch. At least he has someone to play with now.

Vadge Is Begging For Mercy!!!

Vadge really, really hates losing. The African baby snatcher’s plans were de-fucking-railed after a judge declined her purchase of a baby, because had not lived in Malawi for at least 18-months . Vadge is already planning to build a house there and now she has pleaded her case to Malawi’s Nation newspaper after they asked her ass a bunch of questions. Vadge hiked up her roidy-cooch, got on her news and begged!!!!

“I want to provide Mercy with a home, a loving family environment and the best education and healthcare possible. And it’s my hope that she, like David, will one day return to Malawi and help the people of their country. Though I have been advised that I cannot publicly discuss the pending appeal regarding my desire to adopt Mercy, I do want to say how much I appreciate the level of support that I have received from the people of Malawi and my friends around the world.”

Welcome to the world that exists outside of your head, Vadge! Seriously, this bitch really can’t wrap her sascrotch around something called rules. If she wants to win in the end that badly, she just needs to take her haggy ass to Malawi, sit down for 18-months and then collect her prize. It’s not hard. I just hope that at the end of 18 months, the judge shoots her down again! Because when Vadge loses, the world gathers as one for a quick minute to laugh!

VIA UsWeekly

The African Baby Snatcher Returns To London

That bodyguard’s face spells F-E-A-R. Take a look at Vadge’s claw from the grave and you’ll be making the exact same face. I think I’ve seen that claw make a cameo in Faces of Death.

Just days after a judge in Malawi SHUT DOWN Vadge and told her to buy her babies elsewhere, she was back in London. Vadge had dinner (aka seeds and boiled fetus dumplings) with Stella McCartney last night and friends say she’s devastated that she left Malawi without Mercy. The Daily Mail reports that she told one of her assistants, “I can’t believe I’m leaving my beautiful baby behind. It’s not right. I love that baby girl… She’s my little girl – she needs to be with me.”

Why is she so shocked?! Isn’t this how the last adoption went down? It’s like watching one of her movies for the second time and saying, “Well, that sucked.” DUH! You know it’s going to fucking reek, that’s why you don’t make the second mistake twice. Vadge is just mad, because she lost and someone told her to go eat a butt plug.

Vadge’s lawyers have filed an appeal and Mercy’s family is apparently backing Vadge. Well, everyone except Mercy’s supposed father. Everyone thought Mercy’s father was dead, but James Kambewa came forward claiming he read his name in the paper and he’s Mercy’s real father. He wants to take care of her blah…blah…blah… Basically, he wants a diamond-crusted Rolls Royce and a solid gold toilet from Vadge too.

Here’s more pics of Vadge out with Stella last night. Notice the cut on her arm. SHE IS A CUTTER! It’s probably nothing. When the judge socked her in the pussy bone by denying her ass, one of her mutant veins popped in anger. It happens to The Incredible Hulk all the time.