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There's a good reason for why Lindsay Lohan sometimes looks like she could be the next cover girl on Faces of Meth Quarterly. TMZ has it on good authority that if LiLo ever called into KOST 103.5, she'd dedicate "You Light Up My Life" to meth. A source tells TMZ that LiLo's "drugs of choice" are meth and opiates.

The source also claims that in addition to the meth addiction, LiLo will also be treated for bipolar disorder when she checks into Morningside Recovery Center in Newport Beach, CA. Morningside was not on the list of rehab joints recommended by two court appointed psychiatrists. But Judge Marsha might have went with Morningside as the facility LiLo completes her 90 days at, because their specialty is getting bitches off meth and opiates.

So we've heard that LiLo gets hongray for Ambien, Adderal, Dilaudid, coke and now TMZ is adding meth to the pile. I'm not going to believe the meth thing until White Oprah denies it to The Insider. When White Oprah denies it, then you know it's true.

White Oprah is probably pulling her dinghy boat out of the garage right now to begin yet another journey down the river of denial...

UPDATE: LiLo's lawyer Shawn Chapman Holley tells Radar that this is made of lies. Shawn said: "The report that my client, Lindsay Lohan is going to be treated for methamphetamine addiction is categorically false. It's a fabrication, 100%. I have never seen anything that implies that my client has an issue with methamphetamine abuse."

This is what a Simpsons episode called "Lisa's Future" predicted back in 1995. It goes without saying that Millhouse quietly weeped in the tree house during the ceremony. And Homer passed out into a sugar coma on top of the wedding cake after he drained the chocolate fountain.

You know what else this invitation says after I stare at it for a while? P.S. - YOU'RE ALL OLD!

SPOILER ALERT: Lisa doesn't actually get married in the episode. Shit goes wrong. But that doesn't mean you still can't wear your always elegant piggy cufflinks in honor of Lisa's would-be wedding day.

via Buzzfeed & Etsy

St. Tropez better declare a CODE ANTOINE DODSON (Hint: Lock up errbody!), because Kunty Karl has landed and he can't wait to slurp up a drop of local non-fat virgin blood off his Chanel coke spoon. Don't worry, Kanty Karl will force one of his slaves to throw themselves over his body so he won't risk staining his pristine white jacket with mortal blood.

Speaking of Karl's slaves, why isn't one of them carrying his zombie clutch for him? Karl's hand bones are much too fragile for him to carry his own clutch. Karl better punish them later by making them moisturize his culo lips with the tears of his victims.

Here's more pictures of Kunty Karl struttin' that ass through St. Tropez yesterday. If Dr. Claw got a job as a maître d’ at a fancy gay vampire lounge, he would look just like Karl!

A shot rang out in Corsica yesterday! No, it wasn't an intentional act of symbolism. It was the sound Mashonda's inflatiable boat made when it popped right after she arrived on shore to crash the wedding. Mashonda was too late, because Alicia Keys did indeed marry Gonzo Swizz Beatz on the French Island of Corsica last night. E! Online says that Bono and Queen Latifah watched as Swiss Beatz promised to love and honor the woman he's probably going to cheat on in a couple of months.

This is Swizz Beatz' second time wrapping a wedding ring around his finger and it's Alicia's first. The two are going to be parents to a brand new baby later this year.

Miss JIA already has some pretty hilarious pictures of their wedding. Swizz is dressed up like a busser/piano player at a lounge in Reno circa 1978. And the side-eye that little boy is throwing at Alicia's rhinestone headband has made my everything. Who does Alicia think she is? Empress Moon Child?

Jessica Simpson showed off the love she shares with her new paid piece Eric Johnson by Tweeting this picture of them kissing yesterday. Yeah, kissing. It looks more like a mama bird trying to resuscitate a slowly dying baby bird after it ate too many worms. Jessica had this to say about the picture:

Romance 101..getting kissed by my Yalie...me not lookin' so smart...:) but YUM!
about 16 hours ago via UberTwitter

Since Jessica gently fucks her teeth with a toothbrush only once a week, Eric is also screaming YUM on the inside. Eric is getting a full balanced meal out of this kiss. A little Korean BBQ, a few waffle cone chunks, etc... Put your lips on Jessica and leave with a full stomach! Kirstie Alley just raised her hand to ask if Jessica is planning on opening up a kissing booth anytime soon.

I love how Jessica's pointing out that her piece went to Yale. This is the closest Jessica will ever get to going to Yale since that time she caught a rerun of Beverly Hills 90210 where Andrea decides to go to California University instead of Yale. Bitch is still closer to going to Yale than my ass is. I should be jealous.

And Jessica really doesn't have to worry about ever looking smart. Why bother? If Jessica was photographed wearing a Harvard valedictorian sash while holding a Mensa card, I still think the last thing anybody would say is, "Fuck, she looks smart here."

Here's Jessica taking her Yalie to dinner in NYC the other night. UsWeekly says that Eric dropped out of the Wharton School to travel around with Jessica. And who said gold digging isn't a major?!

Nina Blackwood, one of the original 5 MTV VJs!

It was 29 years ago today that MTV launched their first ever broadcast and promised to air non-stop videos (IN STEREO!!!!) for your viewing pleasure. Obviously, MTV has mixed their old motto with some well tequila, downed it in one shot and threw it up in the Jacuzzi after making out with some skank they picked up at Karma. MTV's new motto is to air non-stop shit shows that feature all the ways you can make yourself look like a complete fuckhole with used anal beads for brains. Still works for me!

In honor of MTV's birfday, I'm paying tribute to the glamorous and forever elegant Nina Blackwood. I was too young to breathe in Nina's beauty live, but thanks to the magic of YouTube we can all pretend it's 1981 again.

I mean, just look at Nina! Those were the days when bitches had orange teefs instead of orange skin. The days when crushed velvet and hairspray were more important than teeth whitening. The days when you put every single color on an Aziza make-up palette over your eyes! If those pieces of limp broccoli on The City looked like this, I might watch that bowl of crusty oatmeal (probably not).

Here's the first 10 minutes of the first ever MTV broadcast which includes appearances by The Buggles, Pat Benatar, Mark Goodman and NINA BLACKWOOD!

Jason Momoa (31)
Ashley Parker Angel (29)
Tempestt Bledsoe (37)
James St. James (44)
Sam Mendes (45)
Adam Duritz (46)
John Carroll Lynch (47)
Coolio (47)
Chuck D (50)
Giancarlo Giannini (68)
Jack Shea (82)