Tom Brady Thinks You Can Avoid Sunburn By Drinking Water

November 1, 2017 / Posted by:

Um….ok, let’s just hear what he’s got to say before going in, shall we?

NFL higher being and country club integrationist (dumb pro jocks and haughty, opinionated supermodels were finally afforded the same rights as blacks, Jews, and women!) Tom Brady recently released a lifestyle tome – The TB12 Method: How to Achieve a Lifetime of Peak Performance. One of his book’s many kernels of advice to fanboys who aspire to Teutonic football greatness is that you don’t need sunscreen. Despite the fact that sunburn can occur in 15 minutes and melanoma is a clear and present danger, Tom thinks that all you need to do is drink gallons of water and your body will just begin rejecting harmful UV rays? Wait, WHAT?

The Cut reports:

Every day, he wakes up at 6 in the morning and immediately drinks 20 ounces of purified water, augmented with TB12 electrolytes, which, as he tells us, contain the “72 trace minerals” generally lost in perspiration. As a result, he says, he is so well-hydrated that “even with adequate exposure to the sun, I won’t get sunburned,” and he presumes that the muscles under his skin look like “beautiful tenderloins” instead of “shriveled jerky.”

Beautiful tenderloins” aside (is that his pet name for wife Gisele Bundchen?), that doesn’t quite ring scientifically sound. Tom and his bride have many enemies – chief among them sugar, strawberries, and NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. You can add “sunscreen” to that list. Noted health expert (her wise words on breastfeeding were a feminist milestone) Gisele once referred to sunscreen as “poison” in an interview with the Daily Mail (via The Cut).

“I cannot put this poison on my skin,” she said. “I do not use anything synthetic.”

Gis and Jenny McCarthy should absolutely start a GOOP-style site where they could endanger lives together and on a much grander scale! According to the The Skin Cancer Foundation, exposure to harmful UV rays can cause cancer and permanent sun damage to your dermis. There is no mention on their site of drinking large amounts of Tom’s magic water to render you impenetrable to sunshine. Maybe Tom was trying to give back to his many, many fans here in Massachusetts by throwing a bone to one of our bigger industries – smokin’ butts and tannin’? Or he just wants us all to look like his bestie.

Pic: Instagram

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