No, not that way, you sicko. All those minutes spent sipping maple lattes, concocting fights in her head to use in a song at a later date, and – most importantly – being a Grade-A student at the Olivia Munn School of Bearding (Japanese Potato Master’s Program Sold Separately!) must have left Taylor Swift wondering what doing time in a closet was like. SPIN reported this morning that two burly men were spotted carrying a heavy trunk from her Tribeca apartment, and, no, it wasn’t packed with Karlie Kloss’s Kookie Krap.
Inside was allegedly none other than TayTay the singing American Girl doll:
— SPIN 1038 (@spin1038) July 17, 2017
Initially, reports were spewing that TSwizzle would rather risk suffocation than have to ever come face-to-face with some grotesque paparazzo from Staten Island, barking something like, “Hey, sugah-tits! Why no 4th of July Pahhhty this year?” (In case you haven’t noticed, I am GUTTED there was no Rhode Island party this year) However, the Tay Squad must have descended upon the Spin offices and pelted the writers with their goody goody gumdrops, because a retraction was issued before Taylor’s daily tea party! Along with the Spin recant, most of the evidence backing a fan theory of box-gate (sigh, remember when that used to mean Paris Hilton was showing her snatch getting out of Brandon Davis’s car?) has been wiped clean.
While FedEx and UPS train their Tribeca delivery men on how to combat a swarm of children who are most likely going to scream and seize every package delivered over the next few days, in hope of meeting their pop princess, I think Taylor might get a summons to Washington, D.C. Jabba the Trump allegedly can’t get his asshole sons and twink-in-law Jared Kuschner to ever hide the evidence properly, and she manages to get a bad story squashed in minutes. Sneaky and cheeky, that Tay!