Tom Hiddleston’s Bond Dreams Are Probably Dead

August 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Tom Hiddleston turned himself into a thirst trap by awkwardly posing in his calzones and he did a worldwide photo-op tour with Taylor Swift, and the only thing he has to show for it is a throw pillow that his girlfriend cross-stitched the words “Bond Of My Heart” onto. Tom reportedly wanted the James Bond role as though he was us and the role was a lubed-up Olympic flag-bearer from Tonga. But well, one dude, who claims he’s in-the-know, says that Tom working it harder than a go-go dancer at a gay club during Fleet Week did not pay off, because he isn’t going to be James Bond.

The Mail on Sunday (I know, I know) spoke with English author Frederick Forsyth, who is best known for writing The Day of The Jackal, and he claims that an inside source told him that producer of the Bond movies, Barbara Broccoli, is not going to pick Tom Hiddleston to be Daniel Craig’s replacement. Tom can go ahead and cancel his plans for the paparazzi to “accidentally” catch him getting out of an Aston Martin while wearing a tuxedo and carrying a martini, because he’ll never be Bond.

“I got a tip the other day which I’ll share with you.

“I understand (Bond producer) Barbara Broccoli is absolutely no way going to pick Tom Hiddleston. No. Way.”

Hmm…. There is something random and weird about this author popping up out of nowhere to fart on Tom’s dreams…. Why do I have a feeling that Frederick’s “source” was actually demonic bean sprout Taylor Swift and she fed him those lies because she doesn’t want Tom to be Bond. If Tom becomes Bond, he may ditch her and then she’ll have to find another famous actor to be her boyfriend and she’ll have to do the whole “worldwide photo-op tour” thing all over again. When Tom cries into her arms over losing the role of his dreams, she’ll probably throw a diabolical smile and a wink at her cats. That demoness will stop at nothing!

And since ToTay aren’t official official until Taylor posts a picture of them on Instagram and tags his Instagram account, he joined. Tom’s fellow Marvel ho Robert Downey Jr. welcomed him to Instagram with this:

Join me in welcoming the biggest T. Stark fan of them all to Instagram! @twhiddleston

A photo posted by Robert Downey Jr. (@robertdowneyjr) on

RDJ is doing the lord’s work by never letting Tom Hiddleston live that shit down. In 30 years, I hope some little kid runs up to Tom and says, “Can you sign this for me?”, before handing him an 8X10 of that picture.

And here’s pictures of Tom arriving at LAX from Australia today, as well as pictures of Taylor leaving her gym in NYC today and yesterday.

Pics: Splash,, Tumblr

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