Open Post: Hosted By St. Vincent’s Mourning Hipster Version Of “Thank You For Being A Friend”

July 12, 2016 / Posted by:

As with everything, my thoughts about this are best expressed through the face that our Patron Saint of Life, Bea Arthur, is making.

The only covers of “Thank You For Being A Friend” we need are Betty White’s death metal version and the porn version, but indie nymph St. Vincent decided that the ears of the world really needed a version that’d make you want to drop your forkful of cheesecake, go out to the lanai, lay down on the tiles and wait for the earth to swallow your body whole.

St. Vincent took “Thank You For Being A Friend” sucked every milliounce of joy out of it and stuffed it with a hundred hipster frowns. Since I think of everything in terms of dick, if “Thank You For Being A Friend” was a peen, it’d be a tall, hard, happy one and its lips would always be smiling. St. Vincent transformed it into a soft, cold, grey, depressed one who is always lying on its owner’s thigh and only lifts its head to groan at the sunshine. Listen and weep:

No, there are no words in St. Vincent’s dirge cover, but if there were, one lyric would go like this: “And if you threw a party, invited everyone you knew, you would see me creeping everyone out by crying  in the corner while petting your cat.

The hell kind of GD Golden Girls theme song is that?!

The most played song in my iTunes is a song by Atomic Kitten, so I’m not the one to be judging music, but no to St. Vincent’s cover. If I ate a whole cheesecake, put on a silky caftan and farted into a recorder while standing in front of a fan, it would probably sound more like “Thank You For Being A Friend” than St. Vincent’s version does. I guess that’s the point, but she should still be jailed for that!

The good news for St. Vincent is that when Hollywood eventually stomps on what’s left of our souls by turning the Golden Girls into a depressing drama directed by Lars Von Trier, her cover can be used for the closing credits.

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