Jennifer Lawrence did a big, long interview with Jonathan Van Meter of Vogue to promote the last Hongray Games movie and I was disappointed that nowhere in the piece did she piss in a sink in front of Jonathan and fart out a huge fart as she fell onto the floor. None of that happened, but she did get into the Internet seeing her punane, her essay on getting paid less than dudes in Hollywood, David O’Russell’s reputation as being a huge corroded cunt wart and mean boys. You can tell that JLaw has been hanging out with fellow Realest Real Squad in Hollywood member Amy Schumer a lot. There’s quotes after the cut, but again, if you’re expecting to read about how Jennifer Lawrence dries the piss on her hands by queefing on them, you’ll be let down.
On her nipples slapping against a million screens when The Fappening happened: “I was outside crying, and Pippi (her dog) jumped up on my lap and started licking up all my tears, and I couldn’t put her down for hours. And I mean, hours. I was like, ‘Well, obviously, you’re mine.’ It was all pain and no gain. But I don’t dwell on it unless someone brings it up. Have you seen me naked?”
On how tumbleweeds are blowing through her coochie: …we head upstairs, and when we walk into the enormous master suite she makes a sweeping gesture toward the bed and says, “This is where the maaagic haaaappens.” Then she shoots me a get-real look. “Literally zero magic has happened in here.” She holds up her glass in a toast: “Cheers to my hymen growing back!”
On how she gets David Owhatamoldyfuckstick Russell: “Because I’m not so sensitive, we can really talk, like, man-to-man. Sometimes he accidentally refers to me as he or him. But he really respects and understands women, and by that I mean he doesn’t treat a woman any differently than he’ll treat a man. He would never tiptoe around a woman.”
On that huge fight she had with him on the set of Joy: “I was fucking mean on set. I wasn’t mean to anybody but David. I would never be mean to somebody who couldn’t be mean back. But when you really love somebody, you fight with them. There have been times where I’ve said, ‘We should go to couples therapy.’ ”
On how she’s not a Republican anymore: “I was raised a Republican, but I just can’t imagine supporting a party that doesn’t support women’s basic rights. It’s 2015 and gay people can get married and we think that we’ve come so far, so, yay! But have we? I don’t want to stay quiet about that stuff.”
On Jabba the Trump: “My view on the election is pretty cut-and-dried: If Donald Trump is president of the United States, it will be the end of the world. And he’s also the best thing to happen to the Democrats ever.”
On her pay inequality essay: “What I was trying to say is that we’re not victims. I am holding my own self back. The men aren’t to be blamed for asking for more and getting it.”
On dying her hair ice blond for that space movie she’s doing with America’s Co-Sweetheart Chris Pratt: “Oh, this is movie hair.” Pause. “I guess this is what sluts look like in space.”
On how she just got back from the dentist and her mouth was all wonky from the Novocain: “I feel like Brandi from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. She got work done and was like, I had an allergic reaction to aspirin!” And then: “Did you see that Kim Kardashian got lip injections? She took a selfie and wrote, ‘pregnancy lips!’ Honey, that’s not a thing.”
On how her FAME and POWER and MONEY turns dudes into meanies: “No one ever asks me out. I am lonely every Saturday night. Guys are so mean to me. I know where it’s coming from, I know they’re trying to establish dominance, but it hurts my feelings. I’m just a girl who wants you to be nice to me. I am straight as an arrow. I feel like I need to meet a guy, with all due respect, who has been living in Baghdad for five years who has no idea who I am.”
That last quote is very, “I’m also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.” Bitch needs to go to London and troll travel book shops so she can find a regular dude who looks like Hugh Grant circa 1999 and really, really gets her. I know I reach so damn much that I’ve ripped every shoulder muscle and have touched the toes of the angels several times, but I’m just going to go ahead and take her “guys are so mean to me” quote as confirmation that Chris Martin is a total asshole. I bet that when Jennifer Lawrence whispered in his ear, “Come on, honey, get me started by pooting out a big juicy one,” his ass cheeks clenched and he shook his asshole head no. Dick.
And here’s JLaw in Vogue and at the Beijing premiere of Hongray Games – Part 506.