Adele Is Single-Handedly Saving The Music Industry!

October 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Adele could fart into a tape recorder and release it as a song, and millions of people would still buy it and would silently weep to themselves while listening to it. So it’s not exactly a major shock that her new song “Hello” has already said, “Goodbye,” to the other songs on the charts and is shattering records left and right. Dear music industry, Adele is your lord and savior now and at dinner tonight, bow your heads and thank your new god for putting food on your table! Here’s the records Adele’s “Hello” has already broken:

– In just the US alone, “Hellohas sold 450,000 downloads in 48 hours. It sold 118,000 in the UK in the same amount of time. Adele’s biggest-selling single before “Hello” was “Rolling in the Deep,” which sold 353,000 in 7 days. Flo Rida’sRight Round”  holds the record for the most downloads in one week with 636,000. So Adele is probably going to take him down.

– “Hellowas played a little less than 5 million times on Spotify in just 24 hours, making her the new Queen Bitch of Spotify.

– The video broke the 24-hour Vevo record after it was watched 27 million times in just one day. Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” video used to hold the record with 20.1 million views. So deep in her craft room, Tay Tay just dropped her Katy Perry voodoo doll and started knitting an Adele voodoo doll.

– Sales of old flip phones jumped up 6,000% after that video premiered.

Okay, I made that last one up, but I’m sure it’s completely true. Speaking of that, the video’s director Xavier Dolan, who also directed the cinematic nightmare Mommy, told People why he decided to make Adele and Dixon from 90210 use a flip phone.

“It’s just not that big of a deal. It makes me uncomfortable filming iPhones because I feel like I’m shooting an iPhone commercial. And the same thing stands for cars: Drive them! Buy them! But on film, they’re distracting to me. They’re elements that you identify to our reality so much that – whether it’s a short film, a film, a music video – they just hurt the piece’s sensibility and reality, and it’s not as romantic.”

Xavier Dolan should’ve taken it all the way and made Adele and Dixon use soup cans attached together with a string. But really, I figured that Motorola had a bunch of back stock of old flip phones and paid Adele to use one in her video, because they knew they’d sell out thanks to her power! It’s working, because that video makes me want to buy an old StarTAC. I mean, that moment when you call your ex to apologize for being a cunt is just not the same if you don’t dramatically flip your phone closed after getting his voicemail.

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