Adele’s New Song Was Released A Minute Ago And I’m Sure It’s Already Made $50 Million And Won 6 Grammys

“I can’t heeeeeeeear you from all the dollar signs cha-chinging in my head!”

Just a few days after Adele stuck the sad Q-tip in by releasing a clip of her first song in three years “Hello,” the whole thing was unleashed onto the world today. I bet that break-ups and divorce rates jumped 3000% this morning, because before listening to her song, everybody called up their piece and said, “Okay, I’m going to dump you right now and I need you to start crying, because I’m about to listen to the new Adele song and I REALLY want to feel it.”

“Hello” gives us a serious PLOT TWIST. Instead of Adele getting her ass dumped and her heart slaughtered into a million pieces, she’s the one who does the heartbreaking and in the video, she breaks the heart of Dixon from the 90210 reboot. (“Hello, Random, it’s me, thank you for giving us the meaning of  YOU by putting Dixon in Adele’s new video.”) Adele keeps calling Dixon to apologize for being the asshole in the relationship, but he doesn’t pick up! I was going to screaming, “Text his ass, Adele, shit,” but I don’t think either of them have texting capabilities on those vintage ass flip phones. Anyway, the song and video is an emotional rollercoaster that starts at the tip of her immaculate eyeliner game and ends in that Muppet carcass coat of hers.

Later, she used that flip phone to call her contractor to say, “Hello, it’s me, we’re going to need to build a bigger trophy room to house all the Grammys coming my way.”

And because the Internet usually doesn’t disappoint, here’s the mash-up we all wanted and needed in our lives today:

Hello, Internet, it’s me, bless you for that.

And here’s Adele outside of BBC studios in London today:

Pics: Wenn.com