Charlie Sheen Went To The Hospital After Eating “Bad Clams”

To quote the desperate, hard-up trick who eyes me for a minute while looking for a hook-up at the gay bar: “Um, too easy!”

Seen above with his foundation-covered skin looking like the inside of a Whopper, Charlie Sheen was shuffled off to the hospital on Monday. Usually when I read the words “Charlie Sheen was shuffled off to the hospital,” I assume that his liver once again made a break for it out of his warlock asshole. Or I figure that his nose fell into a porn star’s poon and he went to the hospital to get it re-attached again. But Charlie’s rep, Jeffrey Ballard, tells UsWeekly that he got “food poisoning” after filling his mouth with “bad clams” and he was fine after getting “hydrated” at the hospital. Some source tells TMZ that paramedics took Charlie to the hospital after he complained of having chest pains. If I was telling you this story in person, I’d probably lose a few hundred calories from making so many air quotes with my fingers.

“It was clams, bad clams,” Ballard tells Us. “Nothing too exciting.”

“They checked him out, hydrated him and sent him on his way,” Sheen’s publicist told Us. “He was back home in bed 90 minutes later.”

We shouldn’t make jokes, because this is how Michael Douglas got throat cancer.

And I’m sure the universe will keep on churning out “two easy” nuggets like this and we’ll soon read about how Lindsay Lohan is the new face of Coca-Cola in Peru.