If you’ve been wondering just how far Madge will go to push copies of her new album, here’s your answer. Bitch is going all the way. I’m sure she’ll be selling it on QVC at 2am sometime this weekend and tomorrow afternoon you can find her in the food court at the Del Amo mall hawking it to people to “raise money for cheerleading uniforms.” She is going all out.
Madge took over The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon last night where she talked about stuff, did a classroom instrument version of “Holiday” and went full WTF by doing stand-up comedy. She should’ve just said, “Hello, I am Madonna and I am going to do some stand-up comedy for you,” and as soon as everyone finished picking up the chunks of lungs they laughed up, she should’ve said, “The end. That was my set!” But she decided to tell some jokes instead. While looking like a character in an SNL skit about a Run-D.M.C.-themed burlesque club, Madge joked about fucking young dudes and owning fancy art. If you squint hard enough you can almost see the Sandman from the Apollo getting ready to hank her off with a hook.
Maybe it’s because I stared directly into her eyes and she hypnotized me into worshiping her dark powers, but I kind of loved that. At least she made fun of herself. It was weird, awkward, nonsensical and she should definitely never do that again. (Side note: Strangely enough, if there was a Yelp page devoted to reviewing my fuck skills, that’s what 50% of the reviews would look like. The other 50% would say, “If I could give this negative 100 stars, I WOULD!“)
And Madge kept the comedy coming by doing her best Miley Cyrus impersonation while performing
“Bitch I’m Miley” “Bitch I’m Madonna.”