I Feel Itchy

August 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Before I get into Sarah Paulson’s dress, I need to tell the story about the time I had bedbugs. Two years ago, the apartment building I was living in had an outbreak of Satan’s dingleberries (aka bedbugs) and I was one of the lucky ones who got them. I only had 4 or 5 bedbugs move in with me, but they were not as cute as that “Goodnight, sleep tight” rhyme makes them out to be. Even though an exterminator came in and murdered those little fuckers, I was still super paranoid that they’d come back. Every night I thought I could still feel them crawling on me, so I started wearing socks and mittens and a balaclava to bed to make sure they didn’t crawl on me, but I was still too paranoid to sleep.

Eventually I got into sleeping pills, but my dumb ass didn’t do any research and I ended up using some shit with a low-dose of heroin, which meant I was even more paranoid. It got to the point where I had convinced myself the bedbugs were living under my skin (yes, I went full-Lohan) and was forced to go to a friend’s place in the country to dry out. And she searched my bag when I got there, too! Bitch was acting like she was running a low-budget Betty Ford. Anyways, I got over my phobia of bedbugs and only have the odd nightmare now.

But once I saw Sarah Paulson’s Emmy dress, it was like American Horror Story: BEDBUGS and all my fears came crawling back. Those little red dots remind me of bug bites and bugs and that black mesh looks like it feels like bugs crawling on skin. I literally just deep-scratched my arm. Part of me wants to take a cold shower, and the other part of me wants to high-tail it to Rite Aid to see if I can’t find some over-the-counter bad shit. Not cool Sarah! Your dress should come with a trigger warning!

Pics: Wenn.com

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