Stop whatever it is you’re doing right now (attempting to teach yourself how to sleep with your eyes open, trying to invent a breakfast wine)(please tell me when you’ve invented that breakfast wine) and listen up, because I have some very important news for those of you who live on the cutting edge of “Who?”s dating “WHO???”s. On Tuesday news outlets across the globe reported the budding romance between Pitch Perfect actress and human Miss Bianca Anna Kendrick and Game of Thrones’ Theon Greyjoy (aka Alfie Allen) after they were spotted eating sushi together in Las Vegas, which as we all know is the universal sign that you’re fucking someone. However, according to Anne Kendrick (via Daily Mail), Anna Kendrick isn’t actually dating Alfie Allen. It wasn’t until Gawker tweeted about the new couple that Anna informed everyone that, yes, they had sushi, but no, she’s not tapping the Cups song on Alfie’s penis with her tongue:
For some reason, she later deleted the tweet, so maybe she actually is dating Alfie Allen, but she temporarily forgot she was because there’s a gas leak in her house that causes her to lose her memory. Sometimes that’s good, like if you want to forget you were ever in Twilight (which I’m sure she does), but sometimes that’s bad, like when you forget who you’ve rubbed your down-lows on. Actually, sometimes you want to forget those too.
So there you have it! Two sort-of boring human shoulder shrugs aren’t humping on each other. Cancel the hand-embroidered set of his-n-hers hand towels, and return the bassinet, because there will be no mouse-lizard baby. I know, however will you go on? You should probably call in sick to work, or if you’re already there, just grab your shit and leave. And when your boss asks where the fuck you’re going, turn around and scream “DOES GOING OUT FOR SUSHI IN LAS VEGAS MEAN NOTHING ANYMORE?!!?!”
Pic: Daily Mail