No, you’re not looking at a promotional still from the upcoming Pixar film “Toy Story 4: Barbie’s Boring Cousin Takes A Cleaned-Up Woody To A Boring-Ass Party”; it’s the glass of water-flavored water Blake Lively and her husband Ryan Reynolds on the red carpet at Cannes. And it looks like Blake took some notes at the Met Gala (“Note to self: people seem to fall asleep around you a lot”) because just like Beyoncé and Jay-Z before her, Blake and Ryan used their opportunity on the red carpet to remind everyone that they’re soooo in luv. Those giant smiles! The squinty eyes! The death-grip she has on his arm that says ‘WHY ISN’T THIS CARESSING MY FACE LOVINGLY LIKE WE PRACTICED?!?’ I hope the Cannes Film Festival red carpet is insured, because these two attention whores are acting it off the rails. “It’s the same level of dynamic emotion and range we’ve come to expect from Blake Lively when she appears on camera”, said no director ever.
All jokes aside, I’m starting to think Blake and Ryan gained access to a Geiger counter that calculates how boring a person is, because they’re really trying to appear a little more exciting, and I’ve got to admit that it’s working. Proof? I only yawned 4 times while writing this. Sure, I had to take a nap around the 3rd, but it was only for 1/2 an hour, which is a vast improvement from seeing a picture of them at the Met Gala and falling asleep for 2 days, waking up only after emergency services broke down the door to my apartment to make sure I was still alive after they received a frantic call from Dominos explaining that I must be dead because they hadn’t heard from me in 48-hours.
Here’s more of Van Wilder and The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants’s most boring pants-wearer giving Jennifer Lawrence a run for her money in the exaggerate faces department at Cannes. You know you’re the definition of boring when I look at that giant Timbit on the back of your head and it doesn’t automatically make me jump in my car and haul ass to the nearest drive-thru for a honey dip snack-pack.