For the past week or so, 46-year-old Julia Roberts has been wearing dresses from Pea in the Pod’s Hide The Bump collection and baggy shirts, so of course, some hos have been screaming that there’s a fetus hiding in her body. They can see it! But while promoting August: Osage County on Letterman last night, the Jennifer Lawrence of the 90s spit out a solid NO when he asked her if she and that Danny Moder dude are going to add another baby to their family.
Letterman: You have the twins who are about 9 years old now?
Julia: They turned 9 in November.
Letterman: Oh man, that’s exciting. And then the other one is a 6 year old?
Julia: He turned 6 over the summer. Henry. Or the “other one” we sometimes call him.
Letterman: Have you thought about adding more to the group?
Julia: Oh sure.
Letterman: Any chance?
Can’t a bitch go through the trials and tribulations of menopause without a ho calling their bloat bubble a baby? No, I have no idea if Julia’s got a fetus growing in there, but if she does, I hope she sticks with the cartoon mice theme when naming it. Julia’s twins are named Phinnaeus and Hazel, so I hope if there’s a fourth one she names it Fievel or Gussie. The world needs more kids whose names make you want to sing, “There are no cats in America!”
Julia also told Letterman that she tries not to curse in front of her kids. Not cursing in front of kids. Where’s the fun in that?
“In the nine years of being a mother, I’ve only done that one time, and it brought all of us to a screeching halt. Everyone was like, ‘What just happened?’ It was horrible! I still think about it now, and I still can’t believe I did that. The children just stopped, and I said, ‘I am very sorry!'”
This reminds me, I have this tia who curses way more than I do. Her mouth is a Scorsese movie. A few months ago, we were at a family thing with a bunch of kids and I kept the curse words in my mouth, because for some strange reason parents get all mad when I teach their kids the “cunt” word. Parents are so weird. I can censor myself, but my tia can’t do it. So she taught the kids a trick. Every time a curse word is about to fly out of her mouth, she screams “EARMUFFS!” and that’s their cue to cover their ears with their hands. So when she talks to us in front of the kids, it goes something like this, “Can you believe that – EARMUFFS, KIDS, EARMUFFS – bitch would say that to me? What a – I SAID EARMUFFS, GODDAMMIT – fucking asshole, right? And her husband’s – EARMUFFS! EARMUFFS! – a fucking piece of shit too!”
I think she said, “earmuffs,” more than actual curse words. I kept waiting for one of the kids to say, “We know, we know, she’s a fucking bitch. Can I put my hands down now, my arms are getting tired.”
Here’s Julia and some of the cast of August: Osage County at the NYC premiere last night. I really wish Julia would’ve used those glorious teefs of hers to chew off the dying animal on Dermot Mulroney’s head.