It looks like Demi Moore’s plan to pass her pussay to anything that moved to get back at Ashton Kutcher for sticking his dinky into other people while they were married has backfired. You know what’s sad? Knowing we live in a world where revenge fucking no longer does that thing it do. What are brokenhearted sluts supposed to dry their tears on if not strange sacks and cracks? I’m not pointing fingers or anything, but this abject fuckery can probably be blamed on someone who’s name rhymes with “go llama“.
Radar says Demi took the 5-carat engagement ring Ashton gave her and sold it through a high end consignment jeweler for $250,000.
“Ashton broke her heart,” a friend of the actress told the magazine.
“Anything that reminds her of him makes her sad, and she wants to be happy.”
Potato Head, Tallulah and that other one who’s name I always forget- come get your mama and throw her ass in some remedial “how to get over a boy” classes. Put Allure’s “All Cried Out” on repeat, convince her to give up her raw food diet long enough to stuff a quart of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia down her gullet and sit her ass in front of one of those relatable girl quote Tumblr pages until she sees enough life-affirming messages about not needing anybody but yourself until she starts loving herself again.
When she stops crying and starts getting pissed off, switch to Kelly Clarkson’s “Stronger”, burn everything related to Ashton that isn’t a piece of gaudy jewelry in the trash can and then TIE HER ASS DOWN. It’s only going to be a matter of time before Demi excuses herself to go the bathroom, throws off her bathrobe to reveal her go-to hoochie dress and climbs out the window and heads to a club where she’ll try to use her supersexy chicken ass dance moves to rope herself some new dick.