Only Took Her 15 Years
When whatever is left of your purse line is sitting under a layer of dust in a cardboard box on the top shelf in the stock room of a Filene's Basement in Rockland, Maryland, it's time to pay for your Brazilian blowout bills by opening your mouth about the time you opened your mouth on the Commander-in-peen.
Monica Lewisnky's immunity deal stopped her from barfing out all the details of her time with Bill Clinton's peen, but that agreement expired over 10 years ago and so she's been quietly trying to find out how much money she can get for a tell-all. The National Enquirer (via Radar) says that when Monica asked,"How big of a check can I get for writing my memoirs, which I'm going to title either 'A Million Little Cum Stains On My Blue Dress' or 'Tuesdays with Whorrie'", one publisher apparently told her she can get up to $12 million. So suddenly the world calling you Humidor Crotch doesn't seem that bad. Some source put it like this:
"Monica has tried to move forward, but the nightmare of her affair with Bill still haunts her. She’s facing 40 without a man in her life, and seething about the way her reputation was destroyed as the whole world watched.
Monica wrote the letters on her computer. In them, she opened her heart about her love for Bill and how much happier she could make him than Hillary. Some of what she wrote was so raw that she never sent them.
With Bill’s history of heart problems, her book could be more than just revenge, it could kill him! For years, Monica tried to protect Bill out of a misplaced sense of loyalty, but she no longer feels that way, and her memoir is his worst nightmare.
After testing the waters through publishing contacts, Monica learned she could get $12 million if she recounted every juicy detail of the scandal."
I've always wondered why Monica Lewinsky hasn't written a tell-all for millions of dollars. My guess was that she wanted to respect Bill and wanted to distance herself from the whole mess. But fuck that slut Bill with a cigar and fuck distance. How many of us can say that 15 years after we sucked some peen, someone offered us 12 million dollars to talk about sucking said peen? The only thing I've gotten for sucking some peen is a waiting list appointment at the free clinic and an indistinguishable sore. Monica's got the Midas tongue and she's my new American hero.
And to promote her tell-all, Monica should do a cover of this classic masterpiece.