And Now, A Lesson On Overpopulation From Michelle Duggar
Huffing several thousand cans of White Rain hairspray has officially turned Michelle Duggar’s brain into a magical mound of WTFness that spits out hilariously random facts for our enjoyment. The mother of 19 children and counting sat down for an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network (via Jezebel) and was asked her thoughts on people saying that she’s sucking up the world’s resources by turning her vagina into a popcorn popper. The dull twinkle in Michelle’s eye globes while she listened to that question is the same dull twinkle I had in my eye globes when I was rollin’ on ecstasy. And the same answer she birthed out of her mouth is the same answer I’d give if I was rollin’ on ecstasy. Michelle says that there’s not too many people in the world, because if you put all of us shoulder to shoulder, we’d fit in the city limits of Jacksonville, FL.
“Well, first off, the idea of overpopulation is not accurate because, really, the entire population of the world, if they were stood shoulder to shoulder, could fit in the city limits of Jacksonville. So if you realize that aspect of it, we realize we’re not anywhere near being overpopulated.”
I must’ve been absent the day they covered this in overpopulation class at Snapple Bottle Cap University, because I did not know this. That fact probably dropped out of Michelle’s ass when her 19th kid popped out, but if it is true, then this just confirms that there are too many people in this world! I mean, in a couple of years when most of the earth is covered in water (source: my ass) and the only land left is Jacksonville, FL, we’ll all have to stand shoulder to shoulder. Make sure you’re standing next to someone hot, because the only thing you’ll be able to do is give your neighbor a handjob and maybe nibble the hair of the ho in front of you. That’s it.
Let me put it this way, I can probably fit 10 dicks up my ass, but that doesn’t make it right. (Note to the dudes who might’ve read my Craigslist ad looking for ten dicks to shove up my ass at the same time: I didn’t mean that last part.)
Michelle then went on to say that her family does everything to keep their carbon footprint to a size 2 by buying everything used and making their own soap and shit. Michelle also thinks that her children will be the ones paying for social security since they will be upstanding citizens of the world while your children be lazy, greedy, government-sucking assholes. Oh, and apparently people from other countries are begging us Americans to pop out more kids, because their death rates are so high and we need to even shit out. And Michelle also dropped this beautiful shiny gem of wisdom:
“I agree with Mother Teresa when she said, ‘to say that there are too many children is like saying there are too many flowers'”
Hmmm. That’s interesting, because I believe it was also the late great Mother Teresa who said: “PUSSY AIN’T A CLOWN CAR, BITCH!”
The globs of smegma I sneeze out during allergy season tells me that yes, there are too many flowers. That all being said, I love Michelle Duggar, because she regularly makes me give birth to 19 lols and counting. I just want to hug Michelle, but that’s mostly because I want to create a distraction for her war torn uterus to make its grand escape.