The Plot Thickens (As Did Beyonce’s Titty Situation)

Just a month after the reincarnation of God, Blue Ivy Carter, descended onto earth on the back of a platinum Pegasus, Beyonce stuffed herself into a Spanx cocoon last night to make her first public appearance at Jay-Z’s charity concert at Carnegie Hall and the after-party at 40/40. The conspiracy theorists are straightening their tin foil wigs and screaming “DEM HIPS DO LIE!” while holding up their magnifying glasses to find concrete proof that Beyonce recycled her Tempur-Pedic baby into hip padding.

There are clearer pictures here that Dlisted’s accountant (aka the receipt from the street ATM machine downstairs) tell me I can’t afford and those pictures make me believe that those widened hips definitely made way for something and those titty balls are probably filled with sparkling leche (B.I.C. doesn’t drink anything else). What I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty sure B.I.C. came from in there.

But wait. Do your hips still assume the birthin’ position if you had a C-section? Cue up the 48 Hours Mystery theme song and hand me a piece of Reynolds Wrap. I’m not ready for a full-on tin foil hat, but I might be ready for a tin foil scrunchie.