Because An Orange Is Nature’s Ball Gag

Masochist vegans who are members of the We Hate Simon Cowell Facebook group have never been more turned on.

Simon Cowell’s deflated man tits look like a plate of poorly pounded chicken paillard sloppily breaded in stale rye breadcrumbs, but he’s not letting their sad and defeated attitude get to him while he lives the glamorous life on a yacht in St. Barts with his fiancee and ex-girlfriend. While you’re in your cubicle eating around the rotten parts of a banana left in the back of your office refrigerator, rich ass Simon and his friends are playing with those bananas for fun! To rich bored bitches, bananas are toys! But on a sad note, I bet this is making Ryan Seacrest wipe a single tear on his OshKosh B’Gosh undershirt, because it wasn’t too long ago when the only fruit Simon liked to play with was him. 🙁

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away in Los Angeles, Paula Abdul is having a deep conversation on her banana phone while a pear transcribes the conversation on a slice of jicama.