Category: Vanessa Bryant
Vanessa Bryant Hit Kobe Up And Then Some
High school guidance counselors, please dump all your college brochures into the recycling bin and update your “Have you thought about future?” speech, because having a college education, student loan bills stacked up to your ass crack and a 401k is no way to go through life. Why sit on an uncomfortable ass seat for 4 years listening to some shit you don’t need to know when you can sit on some professional athlete dick and wait until he eventually screws up so you can stick your wheelbarrow under his checking account and watch it rain! Elin Nordegren already proved her her GDD (gold digger degree) shits on your PhD and Vanessa Bryant has just co-signed that.
TMZ says that after all the negotiations, my new hero Vanessa Bryant will walk away with half of her and Kobe Bryant’s $150 million assets including three of their Newport Beach mansions. Vanessa’s mother gets to keep her mansion and Vanessa has snatched up the mansion she lives in now and the one she and Kobe were building when she filed for divorce. Add a monthly check for child and alimony support, and Vanessa is screaming like my mom when she won $5 in the penny slots.
Okay, okay, I shouldn’t say that Vanessa is completely screaming out saliva strands of happiness. I mean, her marriage did drown in a pool of rancid fuck juices Kobe made with his side hos and she was betrayed by her husband of 10 years. If you took all the money in the world, melted it into clay and molded it into an extra thick butt plug, it still wouldn’t be big enough to fill the hole in Vanessa’s heart. There are not enough dollar bills in the world to dry all the tears that are trickling down Vanessa’s face from Kobe breaking their vows. What is coming out of my fingers? I sound like Vanessa in front of Kobe’s lawyers during settlement negotiations. Bitch can fill her tear ducts with diamond gel! Bitch can buy a new heart to replace the broken one! Bitch can do anything (Helen Reddy said so!).
Vanessa Bryant Is About To Hit A Bitch Up
Kobe Bryant’s assets are lying in a fetal position, sucking on their thumbs and mumbling for their mommies, because Vanessa Bryant filed papers to legally quit his ass after ten and a half years of marriage. Distracting Vanessa’s eyes with the twinkles on a $4 million ring so she doesn’t notice that Kobe’s passing his peen to side ho after side ho is no longer going to work. The best part is that Vanessa never signed a prenup. All the gold diggers say YAAASSSS! Vanessa just grabbed a shovel, walked into Kobe’s money vault and will keep scooping up cash until all she hears is the sound of metal hitting floor. #GETMONEYBITCH
TMZ reports that Vanessa filed divorce papers in L.A. this afternoon and said “irreconcilable differences” is the reason why her marriage is in the morgue right now. One source says that Vanessa could no longer take Kobe coming home smelling like random pussy and so she’s finally putting him out. The source went on to say, “She’s been dealing with these incidents for a long time and has been a faithful wife, but she’s finally had enough. This one is the straw that broke the camel’s back.”
Vanessa wants joint custody of their 2 daughters, Natalia Diamante Bryant (DIAMANTE?!!!) and Gianna Maria-Onore, and spousal support, DUH. Vanessa and Kobe’s lawyers have been working on this divorce for weeks and he’s already agreed to pay her spousal support.
Do you think it’s a coincidence that under California law, if you’re married to a ho for at least 10 years, you get half of everything? Vanessa might be a certified platinum bitch (or so I’ve heard), but ho isn’t stupid. Did you think Vanessa stood by like a dumb ass during those rape allegations for her health? Bitch was waiting to get that KOBE CHECK! I’m just bracing myself for all the side pieces who are going to fall from the sky and land directly on the cover of The National Enquirer. I’m also bracing myself for Kim Kuntrashian to inevitably fall onto Kobe’s dick. I bet Pimp Mama Kris just orgasmed herself inside/out just from thinking about all the possiblities.