Soon You’ll Be Able To Cleanse Your Insides With Brangelina’s Holy Rosé

Churches everywhere are pouring their jugs of communion wine into the sink, because a new wine is coming out that is more holier and purer than any other wine and sipping on it will make you feel like you’re sucking blood directly from Jesus’ vein. Since Angelina Jolie supposedly drinks a bottle of wine every night to drown out the screeching sounds of the child army, she and Brad Pitt figured that they might as well cut out the middle bitch and make their own wine. The British wine magazine Decanter (via L.A. Times) says that Brad and Angie have joined wine making forces with the Perrins of Beaucastel to produce their own brand of rosé. The name “Bitch” was already taken, so they’re calling their label “Miraval Provence” instead.

The wine will be produced at Brangie’s fancy French estate called Château Miraval, which has a vineyard on it. The Perrin family (no relation to God Warrior, I think) will be responsible for making and selling the wine. Chateau Miraval used to produce a pink wine called Pink Floyd, which was named after the band, because they recorded The Wall in a studio on the property. Marc Perrin tells Decanter that the Miraval rosé will be out next month and they have plans to release a white wine in the summer and a red wine sometime next year. Marc says that Brangie is all about it.

“They (the Jolie-Pitts) want to ensure they are making the best Provence wines they can. They were present at the blending sessions this year, and are relooking at everything from the installations in the winery – where we have already switched to stainless steel tanks – to reworking the labels across the range of wines.”

A wine critic has already tasted the Miraval rosé and says that “this deliciously bitter wine offers subtle barrel nuances, with hints of hash, baby saliva and the tears of a scorned woman . Along with this is a strange flavors that sort of tastes like the pristine blood of a virgin or like an angel’s first period. And maybe it was just the bottle I drank from, but my glass had bits of Cabbage Patch Kid stuffing floating in it for some reason.“

And yes, Miraval rosé is best served uncool.