Dear Canada, Save The Quaids From The Murderers Of Hollywood!

The Crazy Train Express has pulled its breaks and is stopping at the next station for maintenance, because it knows that there is no way it can keep up with the light speed crazed crackery the Quaids are flicking out onto the tracks. Just when I think they can’t CRAZY any harder, they do!

Randy & Evi Quaid, who got caught in Vancouver on Thursday afternoon, pleaded with Canada’s immigration board on Friday to not send them to the US to face vandalism charges. Evi told the board that Hollywood has already murdered their friends Heath Ledger and David Carradine and she’s afraid that it will wrap its leather gloved hands around Cousin Eddie’s neck next! I mean, she knows this because the bowl of Rice Krispies and apple juice she had for dinner one night snapped, cracked and popped this into her ear. Here’s what HuffPo says went down during the hearing:

Evi Quaid begged a Canadian immigration adjudicator not to force them to return, saying on Friday that friends, such as actors David Carradine and Heath Ledger, have been “murdered” under mysterious circumstances and she worried something would happen to her husband next.

“We feel our lives are in danger,” she said. “Randy has known eight close friends murdered in odd, strange manners … We feel that we’re next.”

During a break in the proceedings, the Quaids’ lawyer, Brian Tsuji approached the media to read a single-sentence statement from the Quaids. “We are requesting asylum from Hollywood star whackers,” he read, declining further comment on the mental state of his clients.

The Quaids were ordered released from custody Friday, but must each post $9,750 bail and fulfill their promise to appear for their next hearing Thursday.

Fulfill their promise?! That’s not how the Quaids roll. By this time tomorrow, the Quaids will be floating on a pool lounger on the Beaufort Sea to seek refuge in the North Pole (the Polar Bears are like “How about NO.”).

And please spend a little time with their note in thumbnail #3. It’s my new favorite thing. I’d like to think it was written with a severed chicken’s foot and wet ashes under a highway bridge. More of this!

The Quacked Out Quaids Busted In Canada

Here I was thinking that Randy and Evi Quaid were hiding out in some stranger’s garden shed in Bakersfield and surviving on hose water, bird seed and crab grass. But no, Cousin Eddie and his Bride of Batshitcrazystein came up with this idea that they’d seek refuge in Canada. Well, guess the hell what? As soon as they got to the border in Vancouver, a giant net fell on top of them. The jig fucked ’em in the face and not in a good way.

The Quaids are wanted in California after they didn’t show their faces in a court room to answer to the charges of being CRAZY. E! Online reports that the two are set to appear at a detention hearing this afternoon before they get thrown back into the loving arms of the US.

You know what I want to know? Did Randy and Evi use their real passports? They are the beacon of crazy, so I’m hoping they tried to use an old Donald Duck passport they bought in a Salvation Army on their way to the border. Or maybe they used some random baby’s (babies usually don’t have arrest warrants out on them) passport they printed off the Internet at a Kinko’s. If they didn’t, I will be very disappointed. Actually, I’m already disappointed with them, because true crazies would’ve tried to smuggle themselves into Canada by hiding under Justin Bieber’s bangs.

(Thanks to all who sent this in)

Well, Since You Put It That Way

Right click + save + open quaidsareNUTS.jpg + print + gold frame from Big Lots = Your new fireplace artwork! And you’re not the only one who wants the fire from your Duraflame log to illuminate this work of art that belongs in the Modern Museum of CRAZY. Randy and Evi Quaid had this picture over the fireplace when the police came knocking on the door this past Saturday to arrest them for allegedly squatting.

And about that, Randy tells TMZ that the man who claims to own the Santa Barbara, CA house they were allegedly squatting is in lying. Randy says that they still own the home. Randy believes they are the victims of a giant conspiracy!!! Why do I have to put on a tin foil visor and stick a GPS jammer up my ass every time I read a statement from Randy Quaid? It’s a good thing that I like it.

Randy and his partner in lunacy Evi think that “someone” illegally transferred the deed to their house by forging the name of some dead woman named Ronda Quaid on some legal document back in 1992. There’s a lot of “somes” in this. Randy has proof of the scheme and plans to show it in a court of law!!!!

Randy and Evi say that they have every right to live in the house. They haven’t been there in years and were only there this weekend to clean it up and to hang that portrait of two crazies over the fireplace.

So just to recap, Randy and Evi were the innocent victims of a house snatching scheme back in the early 90s and yet they are just bringing it up now. And they claim that they were cleaning the house this weekend even though a contractor says they caused $5,000 worth of damage to the place. Makes sense, Cousin Eddie, makes sense.

But you know what doesn’t make sense? The fact that A&E hasn’t left a trail of peppermints (crazies LOVE peppermints) from Randy’s cave to their offices. A reality show about the Quaids would be like Hoarders, Intervention, Obsessed, The First 48 and certain episodes of Billy the Exterminator rolled up into one and coated with bat shit. All that’s missing is a ghost who has a voice like Steven Seagal, but I’m sure Cousin Eddie can make that happen.

Randy & Evi Quaid Are Crazier Than Ever

The Mental Health Department’s answer to Bonnie & Clyde is still spreading the illegal crazy as though it’s their full-time job (actually, it probably is). Randy Quaid, who is giving me “FML face“, and his wife Evi, who is giving me 100% potent CRAZY, posed for these mug shots after they were arrested in Santa Barbara, CA yesterday for allegedly squatting inside of a house they used to own.

AP reports that when officers arrived, Randy and Evi put on their lying faces and claimed they purchased the house in the 90s and have owned it ever since. The rightful owner of the house then showed the officers paperwork proving that he bought the house in 2007 from a dude who brought it from the Quaids. That’s when the police popped the balloons, scratched the record and turned on the fluorescent, because the Quaids’ freeloading party had come to an end. They were arrested for felony residential burglary and unlawful entry. Since nothing makes the crazy in Evi’s eye twinkle like a full rap sheet, she was also charged with resisting arrest.

A contractor also alleges that $5,000 worth of damages to the house were caused by the Quaids. Cousin Eddie and his Bride of Crazystein are still sitting in jail today. Their bail has been set at $50,000 each.

Last September, Randy and Evi were busted for using a bunk credit card to pay a $10,000 bill at a fancy resort in Montecito, CA. They were put on three years probation.

You know Randy’s brother Dennis isn’t even trying to answer the phone today. This is some “pull the cord out” shit. But what I really want to know is, why isn’t Casey Affleck filming all of this bottom of the barrel insanity? Joaquin Phoenix needs to learn how it’s really done.

With that said, FREE COUSIN EDDIE (But transfer Evi to the nearest mental ward)!!!!!