You Can’t Hide The Possum, Kate!

Kate Gosselin tried to cover up the rabid possum on her head by using Jon Gosselin’s nutsack saliva to glue Bret Michaels’ skank-covered weave scraps on top of it, but it didn’t work. The rabid possum is still there and it’s foaming at the mouth with rage that she would try to bury it under a mound of polyester hair. The rabid possum will soon fly above like Kandi on the red eye.

Kate told People that she’s giving herself a fresh start by putting a not-so-fresh weave on top of her head, “I’m starting over. It’s good to have hair again. I never thought I’d have short hair for as long as I did. I feel like this is a fresh start, a fresh me, a fresh life. I’m rebuilding. There’s no option for this not to be a good year. Now I get to start over with a new self and new goals.”

You know, the cuntress of cuntery should really watch herself, because if she “opens up” even more she might turn inside/out.

via Cover Awards & Fox 411

Kate Gosselin Is Loving This

If you were on the UES side today in Manhattan, you might have seen a mob of rabid possums running the streets with bottles of AXE body sprays in their mouths and Ed Hardy silk thongs on their heads. That’s because somebody broke into Jon Grosselin’s Douche Palace of Bad Decisions and ransacked the joint! And I’m pointing all my fingers at the possums, because who else would risk contaminating themselves by going through Jon’s shit? The possums are defending their queen! Anyway…

TMZ reports that when Jon returned from celebrate Christmas with his child army, he found that someone with a knife completely destroyed his place. $100,000 worth of damages to be exact. They slashed up his shirts, shoes, luggage, his bed, rugs and curtains. Jon’s TV, CD player, coffee machine, dishes and other shit was missing. They even carved the word “cheater” into his headboard.

A source tells UsWeekly that a note was left on the kitchen counter with a knife sticking through it. The note was signed with Hailey Glassman’s name. The source went on to say that Meth Brows probably did the damage, because she recently moved out of the apartment. She was also upset, because she claims she paid half of the rent and recently found out that Jon’s been pocketing the money and not sending in a check to their management.

Those possums are sly fuckers, framing Hailey like that. Those possums just earned themselves a special spot at the VIP section in heaven for ripping up Jon’s Ed Hardy doucherags. It’s A Wonderful Life got it twisted. The truth is that an angels gets his wings whenever somebody shreds an Ed Hardy t-shirt.

But seriously, I’m really trying to look at this through the eyes of Detective La Toya. She would think about it while sipping on her brandy in front of a roaring fire. Then she would remove her monocle and declare that Jon did this himself. That way the dildo gets to collect a check from his renter’s insurance and also get some publicity out of it.

Jon & Kate Are Officially Divorced

Remember Jon & Kate? We’ve all been fucked so hard in the eye hole with Tiger news that our brains ejaculated every memory we ever had of those two. Well, in case you do remember them, you should know that they are now officially officially OFFICIALLY divorced. You might want to put a padlock on your trash cans and keep ear plugs on your nightstand, because the possums will be partying tonight!

Kate’s lawyer tells TMZ that the child army will stay at their compound with her. Jon will get visitation rights. Kate also added, “I am very relieved that our divorce has been finalized, and I look forward to the New Year, focusing on our children.”

Unfortunately, our national nightmare is not over. Apparently, Jon has been hit with a 5-figure monthly child support payment that he can’t pay due to TLC blocking him from working the famewhore stroll. And you know Kate is going to send her mob of rabid possums after him if he’s even ten-seconds late on his payment.

That means you might find Jon begging for a coin in front of your local Rite-Aid. That will ruin your day faster than a genital wart. Or worse, don’t be surprised if you see him shaking those titties at a strip club for a warm dollar.

When it comes to the Gosselins, we all lose.

Kate Gosselin Wants To Be A Movie Star

On last night’s Q&A episode of Cunt & Cunt Plus Cunt, Kate Gosselin answered viewers’ questions about all sorts of crap. One person asked Kate what she was planning to do with herself once her reality show ends. Kate said that she would love to see herself on a gigantic movie screen. Not since Paranormal Activity…..

Kate said, “My career goals, believe it or not…I’ve discovered that I’ve done enough years of TV that I feel like it’s a normal, natural, comfortable place. I would love to be in a movie at some point. I would love to be the voice of a cartoon character in a movie for my kids. I think that would be fun.”

The producers of the new Predators movie should pucker up to Kate, because who needs to spend all their dollars on CGI and rubber costumes when you’ve the real thing?

But seriously, we all know that Kate’s possum head is the real actor here. And it seems that we’re just about due for a Cujo remake. It’s in the stars!

VIA Radar Online

Kate Gosselin Wants Child Support

No, your prayers that Jon & Kate get sucked into a gateway to hell have not yet been answered. They are still roaming the earth, and they are still fighting like they are on a Chinatown bus in San Francisco. Seriously, The Fight Queen of Muni needs to drop kick both of these foolios.

Anyway, Kate has filed papers claiming that she needs both spousal and child support since Jon cleared their joint account of over $200,000. Kate took Jon to court earlier this week for snatching the cash, but the hearing date was pushed back after the judge’s wife died. So now she’s going to after him another way. Kate’s lawyer told People, “She needs relief in light of the draining of substantial marital assets in violation of the arbitrator’s decision that the money should be used only for specific purposes.” A hearing has been set for Tuesday.

It sounds to me like Kate needs to pull an Angela Bassett in Waiting to Exhale and hold an “Everything Must Go” yard sale. I’m sure there’s plenty of mid-life crisis-having ex-frat boys who would love to buy Jon’s old embroidered button-down shirts, studded jeans, empty bottles of Axe body spray and Ed Hardy ass lip clamps.

And this is what Sethe from Beloved thinks about this whole situation (WARNING: You might want to use the facilities and put on a diaper before watching):

You see what the Gosselins do to Oprah?!

VIA Videogum

Kate Gosselin Can’t Pay The Bills

Jon Gosselin raided the joint bank account of $230,000, so what’s a possum head to do? Go on the Today show and blab about it, of course! Really, we know more shit about Jon & Kate than we know about ourselves. We’ve been to Jon & Kate, but we’ve never been to us. DAMN THEM! DAMN ME!

Anyway, this morning, Kate Gosselin tried to cry possum tears while saying that she can’t sleep or pay any of the bills thanks to Jon snatching all of their liquid assets. Kate didn’t seem surprised that Jon ran off with their money, because he’s been spending their cash on crap shit (i.e. Ed Hardy maxi-pads and booze). Kate also said that the child army loves to have cameras up in their lives at all times. When Kate told them they had to stop filming for now, they all burst into tears. They were probably crying, because they knew they would be alone with her ass for the weekend.

The next time you see Kate and the child army they will probably be in line at the welfare office begging for food stamps and government cheese. Kate & 8 Plus Government Assistance.