Bruce Jenner Is Shaving His Adam’s Apple Down

At the end of every day, Bruce Jenner slips on his white marabou feather robe, pours some champagne into a crystal champagne flute, puts on a little Julie London and unwinds at his gold vanity where he gracefully applies pearl cream to his luscious face. When Bruce Jenner really wants to feel like the delicate swan he is, he smears pearl cream all over his décolletage and right when the music starts to swell, he runs his hand up to his neck, but something always get in the way like a giant roadblock and ruins the moment. That something is his fucking girthy Adam’s apple! So Bruce’s hacking the thing off.

TMZ says that the lone flower in the Kartrashian garden met with a plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills today to get his Adam’s apple shaved down. Usually, only transgender women get their Adam’s apple shaved down as part of the gender reassignment process, but Bruce says that contrary to that cover of Star Magazine, he doesn’t want to be a woman. Bruce just hates that third elbow on his neck. Bruce tells TMZ, “I just never liked my trachea.”

Bruce claims he just went in for a consultation and hasn’t scheduled the surgery yet, but a source (whose name starts with Pimp and ends with Kris, I’m sure) says he’s doing it early next year.

I feel Bruce’s struggle. My Adam’s apple is huge, but I’ve learned to love it. I can hang crap on it when I need to go hands free. I can chop a block of ice with it if I don’t have an ice pick nearby. I can even slap a bitch with it or fuck a butt with it. It has a million uses!

And I’m kind of surprised Bruce still has an Adam’s apple. It’s amazing that Pimp Mama Kris didn’t tear it off with her fangs years ago.