Every Goddamn Celebrity Has Done The Goddamn Ice Bucket Challenge

In case you’ve been trapped in an actual block of ice for thousands of years and scientists barely just chiseled you out, let me explain a couple of things to you: Celebrities are humans that a lot of strangers know of (I know, it’s a weird concept) and most of them have been taking an icy load to the head in the name of charity (and in some cases, in the name of promoting themselves). The Ice Bucket Challenge has raised over $15 million for The Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosix Association, which is a good thing, but I still don’t understand that shit.

On the Today show last week, someone challenged Hoda Kotb to the Ice Bucket Challenge and she spent a good 3 minutes deciding whether or not she wanted to get doused with ice water or donate money to charity. Unless your heart is made of ice, why would you have to think about it? Why wouldn’t you just say, “Keep the ice and hand me my checkbook.” It’s not like the challenge is to choose between an ice shower or watching the first 5 seconds of a Nickelback video. I know it’s to raise awareness for ALS and most celebrities also donate to the charity, but the entire concept still makes no sense to me.

Besides, think of all the water they’re wasting IN THIS DROUGHT (which is the new “IN THIS ECONOMY”). On the news in California, they keep telling us that the state is drier than a grandma mummy’s puss and we’re in the middle of the worst drought of all droughts. Yet, here’s all these celebwhores wasting water. If celebrities want to do the Ice Bucket Challenge, they should be forced to do it in California so we can all lick the water off of their bodies afterward. (I’m talking to you, Idris Elba, Alexander Skarsgard, Carrot Top and Prince Hot Ginge. I’m not talking to you, Charlie Sheen, because gonorrhea water will do my body bad.)

Better yet, they should swap out the Ice Bucket Challenge for the Oil Bucket Challenge and every ho who does it should have to do it naked. Now that is a challenge I can get behind. I challenge you, Idris, ASkars, Carrot Top, PHG and the hot cashier at the garden department of the Home Depot by my house.

Meanwhile at the Scientology Centre, they’ve raised $35 million for themselves by doing the Cum Bucket Challenge and you know where most of that money came from.

Above is Chris Pratt doing his take of the Ice Bucket Challenge and after the cut are approximately 5,000 celebrities doing the Ice Bukkake Challenge (that sounds like Nicole Kidman’s wet dream) and that’s only 1/1000th of the celebrities who’ve done it. Warning: Prepare yourselves, because ahead of you is Lena Dunham looking like CJ from Baywatch in the Little Critter world, twink ass and Rob Ford.

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Lots Of Hos Worked The Red Carpet, But No One Could Hold A Candle To St. Angie’s Bedazzled Boobies

If you happened to be anywhere on the east coast last night and caught yourself around 4:30pm with a strange ringing sound in your ears and a feeling as though someone had shotgunned the holy spirit into your lungs, you’re not alone. That sound you heard was trumpets heralding the arrival of St Angie onto the Oscar’s red carpet, followed by a choir of angels singing “Step aside 5s, two glittery 10s are coming through.” And that light-headed feeling you got was from the drop in air pressure after God saw that Brad Pitt actually combed his hair and collapsed in shock.

Since the Academy Awards ceremony is really just a prom for insanely famous millionaires, the only thing that matters is who wins Prom King and Queen (Best Actor and Actress) and what you’re wearing. But in the event it’s a year that Angelina Jolie graces the Oscars with her holy presence, you’re fucked, because you’re just going to end up looking like a pile of damp laundry in comparison to The Most Merciful.

Even though Angelina could show up wearing a trashy bikini cover-up and Brangeloonies would still openly weep at her feet, she arrived all glowwy, like an elegant chandelier that had just absolved the sins of humanity. Each bead and crystal looks like it represents a tear from every soul she’s saved. And immediately after she walked the red carpet, Zahara was forced to field calls from every interior decorator in Heaven. “I dunno Sebastien, I’d consider selling you a handful of crystals from the left sleeve, but they’re not going to sparkle like they do on my mom.” 

Here’s more of Brangelina posing to their internal monologue of the Hallelujah chorus, along with everyone else. Sorry, everyone else; better luck next time.

Pics: Wenn.com