Ashley Judd And Her Hot Piece Of A Husband Broke Up

The picture above was taken at the Emmys in September, so you’d think that Ashley Judd’s husband Dario Franchitti would’ve immediately filed papers to legally quit her ass after she forced him to pose next to her while she’s got a cone of hair sitting on top of her head. Wearing your hair like that is only okay if you’re trying to smuggle a file to a prison inmate or if you’re trying to smuggle tiny bottles of booze into a 15-hour-long Emmy ceremony. (That’s probably what Ashley is doing here, which explains why Dario is okay with it).

 Dario and Ashley didn’t file for divorce then (reason. irreconcilable differences over her ugly ass hairstyle), but they’re breaking up now. Dario and Ashley issued a statement to People yesterday saying that after 11 years of looking at each other’s faces every day, they’re sick of looking at each other’s faces:

“We have mutually decided to end our marriage. We’ll always be family and continue to cherish our relationship based on the special love, integrity, and respect we have always enjoyed.”

Ashley and Dario got married in Scotland in 2001 after 2 years of being engaged. And now Ashley has more time to either shoot a sequel to my favorite shit show Eye of the Beholder or plan her run for Senator of Kentucky.

And my thoughts are with Ashley’s therapy dog during this highly difficult time.

It’s a difficult time, because Ashley’s dog no longer gets to lick Dario’s glorious furry leech brows first thing in the morning.

About Ashley Judd’s Face…

Ashley Judd was on Canada’s The Marilyn Denis Show the other day to talk about her Double Jeopardy/Not Without My Daughter TV knock-off called Missing and some hos (read: Radar and The Daily Mail) think she Naomi Judd-ed up her face by filling her cheeks with a Phoebe Price special. Dr. Anthony Youn, a plastic surgeon, put his eyeballs on these pictures of Ashley and told Radar that in his professional opinion, she done knocked her face up with fillers:

“Ashley Judd’s wrinkles are Missing. I am flabbergasted that she appears to have changed her face like this. I suspect that she’s had a good dose of Botox in her forehead to smooth it and injections of fat into her cheeks to plump them up. Ten years ago Ashley had some of the best cheeks in the business. Unfortunately, now they look too puffy. Hopefully they’re swollen from a recent treatment and will settle down soon.”

Best cheeks in the business?! First of all, if Dr. Youn is talking about the ho stroll business, then I am flabbergasted (FLABBERGASTED, I tell you!) by his words since that title has always belonged to Chicken Cutlets. Second of all, if Dr. Youn is talking about show business, then I am still flabbergasted by his words since that title has always belonged to John Travolta. Ten thousand cum shots to his ass cheeks don’t lie.

And about Ashley’s face, I don’t know. I still see wrinkles. Yes, her cheeks look like my nalgas after having an allergic reaction to shrimp lube, but that could be from anything. It could be bloat from meds. It could be a little weight gain. I still see Ashley Judd when I look at these pictures of Ashley Judd. Now, moving on to more important topics like Ashley’s DOG FRIEND!

I read somewhere that Ashley’s dog Buttermilk is a certified service dog, because he helps her with her anxiety attacks or depression or something. To which I say, how do I get my dog certified as a certified service dog?! I need this, especially on planes. Not because he soothes my anxiety or anything. But because I need someone to watch my carry-on while I yell at a whore for acting the fool.

Ashley Judd’s Got A Little Something On Her Face

Just like Uma Thurman and Nicole Kidman before her, Ashley Judd showed up to her book (Which I hear is a feel good read about her awful childhood, battle with depression, sexual abuse and hate of Diddy! Her “hate of Diddy” is the feel good part.) signing at Barnes & Noble in NYC today looking like she just stuck half of her face in the bottom of Lindsay Lohan’s purse. Flourface (or cokeface depending on the face) is a real epidemic that affects all actress. You know, if I was Ashley I’d be pissed. But only because if I’m going to look like I’ve been baking and throwing around flour in an old timey kitchen like a vaudeville comedian, I’d at least want some delicious cupcakes or some shit to show for it. Ashley’s make-up artist definitely owes her some cupcakes.