Open Post: Hosted By Reese’s Bad Candy Exchange Machine

October 30, 2018 / Posted by:

When I used to trick-or-treat for candy back in the day (read: last year), my sister and our friends were pros at the candy-collecting game. We laughed at those weak ass plastic Jack-O-Lantern buckets, because the handles of those sad things could barely support a handful of little bags of Skittles. Those things were for new-to-the-game amateurs. We carried King-sized pillow cases. We were more synchronized and ready-for-battle than SEAL Team Six. We knew which houses to skip (read: the evil bitches who gave out toothbrushes, apple slices, and homebaked cookies not in a wrapper) and which houses to hit up first (read: the rich angels who gave out full-sized candy bars). We would sweep a few blocks real quick, go home, drop and then go back out to reload. We did at least three runs by the end of the night.

Afterward, we’d go through our piles of diabetes-summoning booty, and put our candy into categories, like chocolate, fruity stuff, candy corn (Why did everyone in the 80s and 90s have to give us so much candy corn?), and nasty crap we wouldn’t eat even for Martika tickets. We’d trade each other with our good candy and gave the nasty candy to my mom who would take it to her job where grown-ups with shit taste in food would gobble it up. But New York kids of today don’t have to do that thanks to Reese’s bad candy exchange machine.

Reese’s told Delish that according to their research, 90% of Americans say they have traded or wish they had traded candy they think is gross, and four out of five people did or would’ve traded their gross candy in for Reese’s. Why do I have a feeling that Reese’s “research” group was made up of employees who agreed to say that shit for a Target gift certificate?

Reese’s candy converter vending machine already made its debut at a Halloween parade in Tarrytown, NY over the weekend. On Halloween night, it will be onĀ 5th Avenue between Washington Square North and East 8th Street in Manhattan, and people can exchange their raggedy candy for Reese’s for five hours beginning at 4pm.

According to my research, 100% of the people I polled keep a bag of old, dusty Halloween candy they didn’t eat and have been dragging it around for years, so this is a good thing for them. (And yes, the people I polled were me and only me.) Reese’s shouldn’t stop at taking nasty candy. They should let you trade other things, because I have some things I want to get rid of like vitamins I’m never going to put in my mouth, vegetables I really thought I would eat, a family member or three, etc… etc…

Pic: Reese’s

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