Vanity Fair is doing a series called Secret Talent Theater, where stars of their Hollywood Issue cover show off their secret talent. Oprah was up first, and she showed us that her secret talent is pulling all of our dicks, because she claimed in her video that her talent is cleaning up dog shit. Oprah really wants us to think she cleans up her dog’s diarrhea from the carpet herself. O, please, when one of Oprah’s dogs caca on the carpet, she doesn’t use one of her three hands to grab a rag to clean it up. She uses her hand to grab a bell to summon her minions to pull the carpet from the floor, burn it immediately and replace it with brand new carpet.
Next up was Nicole Kidman, who surprisingly didn’t show us that her secret talent is that she can morph her face into that of a 20-something Naomi Watts (see: the Vanity Fair Hollywood Issue cover). Nicole’s secret talent is that she can eat bugs. “What an amazingly rare talent,” said the people all over the world who eat bugs. If you’re impressed that Nicole doesn’t gag when swallowing a live hornworm, don’t be. I think she got rid of her gag reflex from repeatedly holding in the heaves while watching Scientologists give Tom Cruise a sloppy wet rim job (and I mean that figuratively and literally). And someone is definitely fapping to Nicole swallowing down a worm all sexy-like.
Fun fact: Did you know that you can buy crickets on Amazon? I found this out when I ordered some after Nicole said they taste like a hairy nut. I prefer my nuts on the smoother side, but a desperate slut like me has to take what he can get.