That tub of Muscle Milk with 3-day stubble named Joe ManJello must’ve been busy last night doing more important things (like doing pinky lifts to get a perfect eight pack on his pinky, or doing b-hole lifts to get a perfect eight pack on his b-hole, etc), because Sofia Vergara brought her son Manolo Gonzalez-Ripoll Vergara as her date to the Emmys. And while I was calling 911 to report 45-year-old Sofia Vergara for disgustingly stealing Jane Fonda’s hair look, some on the internet were turning their chonies into a Swiss Miss factory by busting sixteen tons of tapioca crotch pudding over 25-year-old Manolo.
Manolo is Sofia’s son with her first husband, Joe Gonzalez, and since the children of celebrities will shrivel up and turn to dust if they don’t do at least one modeling shoot in their lives, he models sometimes. Manolo, who gives me a touch of Latino JFK vibes, isn’t really my type. He’s too young and looks too nice. I like the grizzled types who reek of whiskey, Irish Spring and bad decisions, and who never return my texts and start putting on their shoes one second after they bust one. But the internet’s nipples are getting hard for Manolo, and since he looks like a real-life cartoon Disney prince, they’re probably trying to woo him by making friends with birds or murdering their mom.
I swear, some people on the internet are so hard-up and desperate. Those horny whores act like they’ve never seen a man befor- Wait, hold that thought, I just saw that Carrot Top posted a picture of him holding a giant rocket dick and I need to grab the canola oil (I’m out of lube).