Every chandelier has automatically lowered itself half-mast today and every crystal flute of champagne that gets poured will be flat and bubble-less, because human diamond Zsa Zsa Gabor has been chauffeured off to the afterworld in a bright white Rolls Royce and has reunited with her sisters Eva and Magda. The legendary goddess of glamour and opulence Zsa Zsa Gabor (born name: Sári Gábor) died today at the age of 99.
During the past few years, Zsa Zsa has been through it. She was left paralyzed by a car accident in 2002 and three years later she suffered a stroke. Zsa Zsa then broke her hip and after a major bitch of a blood clot was found in her leg, doctors had to amputate it. Since then, Zsa Zsa has been laid up in her mansion with her last husband Frederic Prinz Von Anhalt. Because Zsa Zsa has gone through so much and kept on, kept on, I thought she was going to live as long as an actual diamond (read: forever). But leave it to 2016 to wait until almost the very last minute to deplete the world’s supply of glamour by at least a thousand percent.
TMZ says that Zsa Zsa had a heart attack in her home and was taken to the hospital where she was pronounced dead.
Zsa Zsa’s journey to dazzling the world with glamour and beauty started when she won Miss Hungary in 1936. Zsa Zsa followed her younger sister Eva Gabor to Hollywood and eventually got her big break when John Huston cast her in Moulin Rouge. Zsa Zsa went on to star in many, many movies and television shows. Zsa Zsa wasn’t really known as an actress. She was mostly known for her glamour, gorgeousness and her ability to make diamonds look more luxurious. Many obits I’ve read so far have called her the “original Kim Kardashian,” and I hope the ghost of Zsa Zsa is putting her legendary slapping hand to good use by slapping all those bitches who wrote that, because how dare they compare her to that!
Zsa Zsa was married nine times, including to Conrad Hilton.
And I can end with a million Zsa Zsa clips (seriously, I’ll be living on YouTube for the next few hours), but let’s end with one of Zsa Zsa reading a jealous trick on The Phil Donahue Show.
Rest in peace, Zsa Zsa. You are no longer suffering and can now get to work on finding husband number ten in heaven. (I’m sure a hundred angels proposed marriage to her ten seconds after she sashayed through the gates.) Thank you for your glamour, beauty and wisdom, dahling!