Open Post: Hosted By A Sloth Looking For Love
If you’re single and wondering what in the hell you need to do to get a man who would fight for you, lie for you, walk the wire for you and do everything else in that Bryan Adams song for you, then I’ve got the answer for you. The answer is, you need to be a sloth, bitch.
Planet Earth II has already started airing in the UK (it doesn’t air in the U.S. until late-January), and the first episode is about islands. Sir Richard Attenborough takes the viewers to the Caribbean island of Escudo and follows a dude sloth trying to find himself a lady sloth. While the human race’s straight women have to find a man by either going on The Bachelor or straining their fingers while swiping through Tinder, lady sloths just have to stay perched in a tree until a man comes to them.
The pygmy three-toed sloth bachelor swims through the mangroves and spots a fair sloth maiden in a tree above. Rapunzel’s prince is trash compared to this sloth. This Prince Charming sloth doesn’t need hair to climb up to his lady love. But well… when he gets to her, he finds that she’s not available, because she’s already got a baby and won’t be DTF for a few months….
That screen shot above is of the baby’s face. That baby is a damn jerk, but I love it, because it’s obviously throwing a face that says, “Hahaha, cock-blocked you, motherfucker.”