Open Post: Hosted By The Greatest Inventor Of Our Time

May 22, 2015 / Posted by:

My mom has a cat who is like the Krissy Snow of cats. He has looks, charisma, charm and well, he has looks, charisma and charm. When he was made, his maker went down the checklist and said, “I’m giving you looks, charisma, charm and I can’t give you smarts, because you can’t have it all.” (My mom will seriously pull a chancleta on me if she finds out I wrote that about her cat.) He’s the best. A couple of months ago, he couldn’t really do caca times and so my mom shuffled him off to the vet. They did a few tests and couldn’t figure out what was going on with his body. He was in and out of the vet’s office. My mom finally took him to an animal hospital for a second opinion and after they did more tests, they discovered that he had a huge mass in his stomach. The “cancer” word was brought up and it wasn’t looking good. We were preparing ourselves for him to become a pussy angel up in heaven.

A few hours into surgery, the doctor came out and said that they removed the huge mass and were going to send a piece of it to the lab to be tested. Again, it wasn’t looking good and I started rehearsing a song to sing at his memorial (“Baby Mine” from Dumbo). The doctor came back out and said she had some good news. After cutting up the mass, she found some kind of small rubber object in the middle of it. Dude swallowed that small rubber thing and a mass grew around it. He doesn’t have catcer and he’s perfectly healthy now. I hope that rubber thing tasted delicious, because it cost him hours in surgery and cost my mom thousands of dollars. Anyway, I’m finally getting to the part about the damn cone. It only took me 10,000 words.

Of course, he had to wear a cone for a little bit and it was a mess. He was like a drunk and stoned me: confused and needy. I watched him try to walk between two chairs that were close to each other. He tried to walk through them and BOOM, his cone stopped him from doing so. He stopped, looked around like “huh” and tried again. He did this three more times before I finally helped a bitch out. He really needed a pussy friend like this one to show him how to conquer the cone.

Here’s a video of a thirsty pussy turning the cone of shame into a beautiful waterfall to drink from:

If that cat is in California, then she should be arrested and fined for wasting precious water! If that cat isn’t in California, then somebody should give her an Inventor of the Millennium award!

via Tastefull Offensive

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