Coochella really hasn’t been the same without its Queen, Vanessa Hudgens, frolicking through the dusty sea of drunk hipster douches while appropriating several cultures and looking like an Anthropologie and a Pier 1 Imports took a wet shit on her at the same time. Vanessa Hudgens is currently starring in Gigi on Broadway so she couldn’t go to Coachella this year. I don’t even know why Coachella went on! They should’ve rescheduled, because a Vanessa Hudgens-Coachella doesn’t make sense. But the Queen of Coochella was there in spirit. She posted a video on Instagram of her dancing in her dressing room to Coachella’s live stream while wearing a bedazzled muumuu. That has to be the saddest sentence I’ve typed in a while and that’s saying a lot, because not too long ago I typed the sentence: “So I kind of watched half of a Keeping Up with the Kardashians episode while sober last night.”
Besides, Vanessa Hudgens didn’t even try replicating the essence of Coachella in NYC. If she really wanted to feel like she was at Coachella, she would’ve put on a Native American headdress, a bindi and a fringed kimono, and paid two of the dirties hobos she could find to finger each other’s butts and snort molly next to her while she danced to a Panda Bear song in a dry sauna. Coachella’s faux bohemian heart wasn’t there, but the reigning Style King of Coachella was there to help fill the void.
The Hoff goes to Coochella almost every year, because every music festival needs a creepy old man to massage his nipples while watching the youngins’ dance. So The Hoff was there this year along with his girlfriend Hayley Roberts who looks like a come-to-life Kelly Ripa Barbie doll. Like he does most years, the cheeseburger lothario showed those hipsters how it’s truly done. If you told a middle-aged suburban dad to leave his dignity at the door and put together a “hip outfit” using only shit bought at a gas station gift shop, he’d end up looking like The Hoff and that is and forever will be the look. That rubber sunglasses strap elevates his look to new levels of YES.
And here’s a bunch of Coachella messes who tried but have nothing on The Hoff.