Goddamn it, Pharrell, stop trying to make the penis hat happen, it’s not going to happen; nobody wants to voluntarily look like the throbbing head of Dudley Do-Right’s dick. Well, except maybe John Travolta. “I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about that hat that really speaks to me.”
The second before Pharrell Williams stepped out from behind those creepy Oscar statue ghosts, I knew there was a 100% chance he’d be wearing that goofy Vivienne Westwood hat, because that hat is his best pal and he never goes anywhere without it. They’re like a modern-day Milo and Otis. Pharrell and his hat will be the best of friends until the sad day that the hat starts to get old and loses its shape, and it’s sent to live with a nice family on a farm upstate somewhere.
But I felt sort of bad for Pharrell’s dick head hat last night during the performance of Despicable Me 2’s “Happy”. That high-fashion felt penis hat looked so out of place in what was essentially a long-lost Gap commercial. You could sort of tell the minute the first dancer in pastel khakis popped out, the hat started anxiously thinking: “Fuck, I knew I should have come dressed as a straw fedora.”
And here’s more of a sans-chapeau Pharrell and his wife, Helen Lasichanh, looking like they’re fighting over who get’s to play the Buster Bluth part of their Motherboy XXX cosplay: