Horny People Of Walmart

You know those people at the grocery store who eat the grapes in the fruit section, because they say they need to sample the goods before buying? (Don’t shake your head no. I know you have a relative who does that. We all have a relative who does that.) Well, that’s basically what 35-year-old Tina Gianakon and 22-year-old Julian Call were doing at a Walmart in Kansas on Sunday night. Except they weren’t sampling grapes, they were sampling KY instead.

The Smoking Gun says that Tina and Julian were just doing what most couples do on a Sunday night in Kansas: they were strolling the aisles of Walmart looking for some sex syrup to sample. After they settled on a tube of KY, they squirted a little of that sticky fun in their hands and started making a cleanup on aisle 12. You’d think that the least offensive thing in a Walmart is the sight of two horny hos openly fondling each other, but I guess it must’ve been a slow night for foolery. Because somebody called the police. Fred Willard feels their orgasm-blocking pain. The cops showed up, double gloved up, picked stray pube hairs off of Tina’s hand and then put the both of them in handcuffs. Tina and Julian were charged with lewd and lascivious behavior (that’s legal talk for “hand boning each other in the middle of a Walmart”) and theft for stealing that KY tube.

This is an injustice! If you can’t jack your piece off with stolen lube in the middle of a Walmart, where can you jack them off? It’s Walmart’s fault for being filled with so much sexy (see: POW). Being in a Walmart just makes your hand want to do the back and forth slip ‘n slide on a peen. I mean, why do you think the Walmart smiley face is always smiling? Uh huh. It’s fapping right there in the middle of the aisle all day, every day. Rollback….and forth.