Open Golden Globes Post: Hosted By The Dog From The Artist

I turned on E! a little while ago and watched Nicole Richie tell Ryan Gaycrest, “Yeah, my hair is by SUAVE professionals,” so I already know that tonight’s theme is FUCKERY. I would’ve joined Nicole’s fan club if she said that her dress was by Charlotte Russe Couture and her shoes were by Chinese Laundry Black Label, but she didn’t. Anyway, it’s the Golden Globes tonight and it’s that time of year when we watch half of Hollywood ignore the full bottles of champagne on the table (that’s the hardest part in watching this mess) as Ricky Gervais (aka the HARDEST and BADDEST comedian on the stroll aka the Crips of comedians aka Blah Blah Blah) makes fun of celebwhores to their faces. EDGY! But importantly, it’s also when we all get to swallow bottles of 100 proof whatever while making fun of whores wearing dresses that cost more than our EVERYTHING!

I’ve blown the dust off of my Twatter and will be throwing shit on there throughout the night. As I’ve said before, the IRS is auditing my ass, so I’ll be spending most of the night doing something called drunk puttingshitfortheIRStogethersoIwontgotoprison. So when your stash goes dry halfway through the 15-hour long ceremony, throw in an extra FUCK MY LIFE for me.