Would You Hit It?

Here’s Colton Haynes from MTV’s Teen Wolf, but mostly known as the twinkie whose publicist tried to Magic Erase his gayness from the Internet, casually gazing into the wooden vulvas on his trailer’s paneling while flexing his abs so hard that I’m surprised one of his muscle biscuits didn’t pop out and start flopping next to that torn tampon on the floor. Teen Wolf’s executive producer Tumblr-ed this picture and added the note: “Shot from Colton’s trailer. We asked him to show us his new body, the product of three months of serious training. Of course, he struck a model pose.”

You know, I take back that gazing comment. Colton’s not gazing, he’s trying to keep his eyes from rolling to the back of his head right before he passes the shit out, because his body can’t take THE HONGARIES anymore. For the past three months, bitch’s trainer has only let him lick on the tears that trickle down his face while he’s crunching his way to abs of a G.I. Joe doll. It must suck when even the pre-cum from the dick you regularly suck on has to be tested for calorie content by your nutritionist before it’s allowed to go in your mouth. No thanks.

And, DUH, I’d hit it even if his abs taste like bronzer and matte black eyeshadow.